For a while, I have been thinking about joining in the fun and frivolity, and writing some stories in this blog section of the forum. It seems the 'Blogs' section is pricipally poulated by Stateside writers and readers, who may have very little idea, let alone appreciation of the wonderful world of Oz.
Your correspondent relaxing on the beach after another day's Übering
I think what has really prompted me to take the plunge in writing here, are some recent posts by 'out of towners' in the Oz forums, where the messages get a little conflicted due to the subtle differences in our use of the language, and nuances in humour.
Suble though they may be; they often lead to hilarious exchanges. And that of course, is the real meaning of life. Humour and hilarity. Everything else runs a distant second.
When you stop and consider all of your bodily functions and activities, none of them, other than laughing makes a great deal of sense. And so, what I am proposing is a once or twice per month missive, in which I bring to our American cousins a bit of a dialogue about life and times in the land of the lucky (bastards). Yes, our wonderful Australia.
The intent, is to give those Americans, who are fortunate enough to have been taught to read, a taste of the truly magnificent life, that they are missing out on down here in God's Garden. If that is not worrying enough, most of the points of observation will come through my eyes as a very fortunate occupant of my wonderful, wonderful city of Adelaide. To ratchet up to another level of concern, is that these little nuggets of bi-monthly literary pleasure will be scattered with random thoughts from your's truly.
As an Über x driver in Adelaide ( the city of Light) I will have a couple of tales to tell. These tales will sometimes contain an element of truth, sometimes none at all. Mostly they will just come forth from places unknown, purely for my pleasure in telling them. If somebody else gets some pleasure that then is a bonus. A bit like receiving an Über badger.
Now, that we have got this far in, and the beer is flowing freely, perhaps it is just time to go with the motion and let forth with a continuous stream. I think the first thing that needs to be bedded down, is to give this first son of our hero, a proper name. After a great deal of consultation with an empty beer can, I have decided that the most appropriate first part of the name should be 'Oz'. Yep, that is it. Just Oz. Easy.
The second part causes me a little angst, as I initially thought Bulletin would be the most appropriate title as there is going to be a lot of Bullsheit, that is guaranteed. However, I think it needs a bit of a gimmick, a bit of panache if you like. Bulletin, report, missive, account, publication, statement. No, no, no! Aweful!!
Some words just sound nice. They sound nice and they feel nice. They are like a verbal and visual equivalent of a mouthful of the very best South Australian wine. But instead of swirling the wine in our mouth and savouring its texture and tasting its undisputed excellance, we linger over the word and its sound and its form and its meaning. French words, to me are celebrated for this quality. Panache in the previous paragraph is a prime example. It is rounded, it is elegant. Just like that mouthful of wine.
Penfolds Grange - this little drop is favoured world wide, as the perfect accompaniment to our breakfast cornflakes.
So, I am leaning a little in the French direction and I have decided on communiqué. Yes! Communiqué. It feels and sounds so right. It is soooo communiqué OK!!
There is our title: Oz Communiqué! Love it. It is also a little Californian as now we will have another OC.
Oz Communiqué 001 - Fathers Day
Now, that we have the introductions out of the way, I would like to turn my attention to the first and most recent differences in our two great nations. Last Sunday; here in Oz, we celebrated Father's Day - the first Sunday of September, the first Sunday of our (calendar) Spring.
In the US it is the 3rd Sunday in June - which, I expect is the 3rd Sunday of Summer. WTF? Why are these dates different? Now, I know, I just know at this point, that some smart arse is going to put his hand up and yell out...."Sir! Sir!, I know why!"
Well, just hold ya water sonny, it is a rehetorical question.
Interesting isn't it? Is this because in years gone by; well before China became the world's factory; some smarmy little accountant in a tie and sock factory in some backstreet sweatshop of North Carolina or his equivalent in Flinders Lane in Melbourne, decided that it would be better that the dates were apart by a couple of months, so that production of the most highly sought after socks and ties may keep up with demand? Highly likely.
To my way of thinking, this was the first unravelling of surge pricing. You didn't know that, did you? That is right. Believe it or not, Travisty's great uncle was an accountant at a tie and sock factory, and whilst Travisty was still pissing in his diapers, great uncle Kalasock Kalanick was teaching the young fella all about surge pricing and how to control it. It all makes sense when you stop and think about it doesn't it?
I have deviated a little from my principal thrust here, and I apologise for that. Most of my thought patterns are powered by beer and while for you poor suckers over there in OC might be just taking your first couple of aspirin to get over last night's hangover from the previous day, I am already starting to create mine for tomorrow! And you guys reckon we are behind. Ha, ha.
Now this conversation inevitably leads towards the two primary focuses of our lives (other than beer, of course). These two touchstones are Girls and Über and Girls and Girls. Now, if you happen to be a Girl and you have ventured this far, there is no going back, Babe. It is time to sign up for the ol' WiJG course in personal development. OK, OK back on track.
The Fathers Day thing. I reckon it is a fabulous thing. A lot of drivers are fathers (yeah, I know, a lot aren't but lets leave that for the mo.) As with a lot of you folks, I'm sure, it seems that the black shirt brigade at the Green Light thingo have a competition each morning to see how much crap they can load up onto my Über Driver home screen. It is endless and totally unforgiving. On and on and on with mindless palaver. Every day it seems there is another truckload of überation on my home screen. So Fathers Day came around. Another überation celebration.
Last week in preparation for Father's Day, this appeared:
#WHYIDRIVE: Celebrating Six Star Dads this Father's Day
This Father’s Day, we celebrate the UberDADS and dad-figures who are driving change in their families and communities.
Hear the stories of four Aussie dads who drive with Uber to make a difference.
Firstly, what are dad-figures? Are you serious? Are they the little plastic action guys?
I have seen some puke come from Über's marketing department, but this lot was in a totally different league. Let's just look at this a little closer.Let's look at just one example:
“I’m a stay at home Daddy, and I love that I can be there for my family when they need me. That’s something I’ve always wanted.”
Simon the accountant. Let's hope he is more adept at juggling children than figures.
"Simon used to deal with numbers as an accountant. Nowadays he ticks off kilometres connecting riders with their cities through Uber, and delivering food with UberEATS. As a stay-at-home father, Simon loves his new flexible schedule enables him to give his undivided attended to his son Henry. Simon’s family continues to grow – soon he and his pregnant wife will welcome twins into their home."
Mmmmmm......so, Simon was an accountant. It really isn't too hard to see why he was 'let go'. He has yet to wake up to the real figures of 'partnering' with Über.
This is a bit of a sad story, as when you start to look beyond the Über crap, it soon becomes apparent that Simon is in fact the world famous 'Simple Simon'. He says “I’m a stay at home Daddy, and I love that I can be there for my family when they need me". Well obviously, they don't need him at all, because to make ends meet whilst Übering, he needs to drive 70 hours a week.
"Simon’s family continues to grow – soon he and his pregnant wife will welcome twins into their home."
Good Grief! Simple Simon's wife must be Simple Sally. Here is hubby, he has been 'let go' from the accountancy firm because he can't count, but, not to worry, he has this fantastic idea that they will prosper with him driving Über! Hell yeah! Great idea!
"Hey let's celebrate! Let's get it on and create a few more mouths to feed! Who cares how many, I can't count!"
So when you can't count, dial Über - 8237
'Til next time.
Now a word from our sponsor -
Donald - 'reaching out' after his first concert at the Sydney Opera House.
Unfortunately, we don't allow guns, so like many before him, he had to use his finger
Separate names with a comma.