Originally posted in Breeze Behind The Wheel
So I pick up these four young women from a popular nightclub on the outskirts of West Hollywood. It's an unseasonably cold night and all four of them are scantily clothed in what I affectionately call "Bath Towel Dresses"; dresses that are about as wide as a bath towel that hit about an inch about the nipples and two inches below the crotch.
Three sit in the backseat. They smell of three distinct liquors. The fat one sits in the passenger seat beside me. She smells of Sweet Tarts.
BRANDY: Party!!
VODKA: Woo hoo! It was such a good night!
RUM: Your name is Breeze? **** yeah!
ALL FOUR: Woo hoo!
SWEET TART: Can we play music from my iPhone?
BREEZE: Sure.
ALL FOUR: Woo hoo!
Some song from Ariana Demi Lana Del Haim Cyrus Steinfield starts piping through the speakers.
SWEET TART: Rock out with your cock out!
ALL FOUR: Woo hoo!
VODKA: This is such a special night! I love you guys!
ALL FOUR: We love you!
BRANDY: And we love our driver!
RUM: So Breeze, how's your night been so far!?
BREEZE: It's okay. Hey, can you not grab on me like that? You're kind of like bending my seat back?
VODKA: Calm down Rum! You're distracting our driver!
BRANDY: Party!!
SWEET TART: Woo hoo!
RUM: **** you Vodka! You've been on one all night!
VODKA: What are you talking about!?
BRANDY: Party!!
RUM: **** you too Brandy!
BRANDY: **** you!
VODKA: **** all of you!
SWEET TART: Come on you guys! It's a special night! Let's not spoil it! Party!
ALL FOUR: Party!!
RUM: Oh my God Vodka, you're sitting on my purse!
VODKA: Then take your ****ing purse!
RUM: Oh my God I don't believe you're yelling at me like this!
Rum begins crying uncontrollably and through barely audible gulps of tears she screams,
RUM: You're supposed to be my friend! Get out! Get out of this car right now!
VODKA: I'm not getting out! You get out!
RUM: I paid for this ride! I'm not getting out! You get out!
BRANDY: Why don't the both of you get out!
SWEET TART: Come one you guys! Love! Love!
Sweet Tart switches the song on her iPhone and some bass heavy Hip Hop song from Lil A$AP Future Khaled Lamar Migos comes on
SWEET TART: Come on you guys! Let's party! I want some Black cock!
RUM: **** you! I want some Black cock!
BRANDY: Then go get some Black cock!
SWEET TART: Come on you guys! I said that just to lighten the mood! Party!
VODKA: I want some Black cock!
RUM: Get out the car Vodka!
VODKA: **** you! I'm not getting out the car! You get out the car!
SWEET TART: Ok so, Breeze, clearly we're a dysfunctional group here. Clearly we don't have the best communication skills.
RUM: Get out the car Vodka!
VODKA: You get out!
RUM: Either you leave or I leave!
VODKA: I'm not ****ing leaving!
RUM: Fine!
I hear a rustle then a loud slam against the rear passenger side window that sounds so jarring that I pull the car over to the side of the road. It seems that Rum climbed over her friends and tried to jump out the window from a moving car and she would have actually succeeded… if the window wasn't rolled up.
BREEZE: Ok you guys, you got to calm down.
SWEET TART: You're not going to kick us out are you!?
BRANDY: Oh my God Rum there's an imprint of your face on the window! That's hilarious!
RUM: It's not funny!
BRANDY: Look! There's your lipstick and your eye-shadow and your blush!
RUM: Shut up!
BREEZE: Ladies…
SWEET TART: You're not going to kick us out are you!?
BREEZE: I'm not going to kick you out, but I just need you all in your seats, with your seat-belt on.
BRANDY: She totally left a faceprint on your window!
BREEZE: We'll deal with that later.
We drive in silence to some random address in Santa Monica when another argument erupts. This time, however, when we get close to the address entered into the app and I slow down to about 5 mph, Rum actually succeeds in opening the door and jumping out. Sweet Tart continues to apologize for the bad behavior of the crew (as if I have a relationship with any of them or that I am ever going to see any of them ever again in life) then pleads that I follow Rum down the street since she is scantily clad, barefoot and walking alone down a dark and cold residential street in Santa Monica. I follow her for a block while the rest contact Rum's boyfriend whom they all assume is her destination.
When she cuts down a back alley, Sweet Tart pleads that I get out of the car and follow her while Brandy and Vodka are crying uncontrollably in the backseat, holding on to each other for dear life sobbing, "I am so scared! What's got into her! I don't know who she is anymore!" I absolutely, positively do not want to get out of the car and feel completely justified for not wanting to get out of the car and have no plans on getting out of the car… until my mind is just flooded with newspaper headlines for the next day, "WOMAN DRUNK ON RUM WEARING A TOWEL DRESS GANG RAPED IN BACK ALLEY OF SANTA MONICA, COULD HAVE BEEN PREVENTED IF TRANSPORTATION DRIVER WAS NOT SUCH A *****." And right when I begrudgingly unbuckle my seat belt, out pops Rum from the back alley on her cell phone headed straight for the car.
RUM: This night is over! I'm going over Beer's!
SWEET TART: Get in the car!
VODKA: Get in the car!
BRANDY: Oh my God Rum, I don't know who you are anymore! Get in the car!
RUM: **** you! I'm going over Beer's!
She turns down another back alley. I don't get out the car but I position it whereas my headlights can provide some sort of illumination. I decide this to be the best idea as I imagined myself actually getting out of the car, finding her, trying to persuade her to get back in the car and putting one finger on that woman and the next day headlines of that calamity to read "WHITE WOMAN BRUTALLY ASSAULTED BY BLACK TRANSPORTATION DRIVER THAT LOOKS LIKE CEEE LO GREEN"
Five minutes later Beer calls and says that Rum is safe.
Five minutes after that I drop off Sweet Tart at her residence. She is still apologizing profusely.
Five minutes after that I drop off Brandy and Vodka and the both of them are happy and chipper as if nothing happened.
VODKA: Bye Bye BREEZE!
BRANDY: Have a great night!
VODKA: I'm starved!
BRANDY: I know right!
TOGETHER: Pizza! Woo hoo!
I want to go someplace and just process the whole night but I immediately get the signal to pick up another group of riders. This one is a couple from one of Santa Monica's more swanky night clubs. They are dressed casually and have a severe case of the giggles.
CHAMPAGNE: How has your night been so far Breeze?
BREEZE: It's been okay.
WHITE ZINFANDEL: I bet you have seen a million things in this car!
BREEZE: You have no idea.