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New Uber Badges

Discussion in 'Articles' started by Mista T, Nov 12, 2018.

By Mista T on Nov 12, 2018 at 12:39 PM
  1. Breaking news from Uber!!
    We have been speaking with drivers around the world for many years, and once again Uber, your great non-employer, has decided to give you, our driver-partners, exactly what you have been asking for: new badges!

    These new rewards won’t be easy to achieve. Only the bravest and most committed drivers will be able to earn these highly coveted badges. Scroll down or click here for more information.


    Highest Acceptance Rate
    We value our passengers, and don’t want them to have to wait any longer than necessary for a driver to commit to picking them up. We are going to award the Highest Acceptance Rate badge monthly to all driver-partners in each market who do at least 40 rides in a month and have an AR of over 90% at the end of each week. How many can you collect? Remember, a higher AR means more money in your pocket!

    If your cancellation rate is over 5% during any week, you are not eligible for this badge during that month. Also, there is no driver star rating requirement to earn this badge, so drivers who have lower than a 5.0 star ratings are still eligible.


    Vomit Survival
    Vomit Survival.jpg

    By using the camera and audio recording functions on both your and your passenger’s cell phones, we can detect when a passenger vomits in your vehicle. Even if you do not submit a cleaning fee, we still know what you are going through and we feel your stress. This new Vomit Survival badge is the perfect way for Uber to acknowledge what you have to deal with.

    In fairness to our office worker-partners in the Philippines, any cleaning fee requests must still be submitted along with photos. They work hard and deserve a good laugh as well.


    No Tips For Me
    No Tips For Me.jpg

    When you give 10 or more rides without a single tip you can take pride in knowing that you have helped your fellow man and woman in a special way. Everyone knows that money is overrated. The satisfaction that comes from helping others is much more valuable than mere cash. We at Uber want to recognize you for your contribution to the human race with the No Tips For Me badge.

    Having no tips for at least 10 rides in a row is required to earn this badge. See how long of a streak you can achieve! When a rider asks if they can tip in the app, simply tell them “Don’t worry about it, the tip is included.” At Uber we are doing what we can to help you earn this badge by continuing to make the tipping screen a challenge for passengers to find. We’re on your side!


    Hate My Life
    This badge is truly special, it is reserved for those of you who have built up so much anger and hatred towards Uber that you flat out told us to go to heck, and quit …. and then came back. Now we know 100% that we have got you by the balls!

    Before your life gets any better, make sure you show everyone your Hate My Life badge and make sure you tell them that Uber is the reason for everything that has gone wrong in your life.

    Now get back to driving, beeyoch.


    Burning Up My Car
    Burning Up My Car.jpg

    Full time drivers deserve to be recognized in a special way. Some of you are driving so much that you need to do an oil change every month. If this describes you, then you deserve a Burning Up My Car badge. To earn this badge simply be a driver whose ride totals are in the top 5% of total rides given in your market each week. To see where you rank you can see the weekly market statistics by clicking here. That extra hour or two of driving each day will help keep you at the top of the rankings!

    Driving a newer vehicle? Even better! If your vehicle is under 3 years old we will award you two Burning Up My Car badges instead of one each week.

    In addition to well-deserved recognition within the Uber community, this badge will get you free oil changes. Just show participating oil change locations your badge, earned within the past 60 days, and your oil changes are on Uber, 100% completely free(*) to you!

    (*) A $39.95 - $119.95 environmental fee may apply. Other fees and restrictions may apply. Participating dealers only. Click here for more details.


    Survived Deactivation
    Survived Deactivation.jpg

    Every driver gets deactivated, it is only a matter of time. If you have been deactivated prematurely, then you know what a struggle it is to get reactivated again. Having a Survived Deactivation badge lets you show other drivers that you have truly been Uber’d in a special way.

    See how many you can collect! There is no limit to how many times we may deactivate and then reactivate a driver-partner.


    Happiness
    Happiness.jpg

    Ignorance is bliss, and you are truly one of the happy drivers in the Uber spectrum. Sometime during the past 30 days we sent an undercover employee into your car as a normal passenger, and they asked you questions about Uber and if you were happy as a driver. We are pleased to report that you passed the test with flying colors!

    We are thrilled for you, and wish you nothing but continued happiness. Remember that math is for morons, and that Pool is Cool. Refer your friends to earn extra money!


    DUI Prevention
    Using our new patented AI technology we are able to detect (in advance) which riders have been drinking heavily. If your driver rating is below 4.98, we will match you with more of these people than a higher rated driver, and we thank you with a new badge for taking the burden of the more obnoxious passengers away from those higher rated drivers.

    As a side benefit, you are helping to reduce DUIs in your city, and possibly save lives. We have been listening to drivers, and want to show our appreciation (for your contribution to mankind) in the manner you requested: another badge. The DUI Prevention badge is awarded for every 500 drunks that you transport(*).

    Remember, when driving Pool or Express Pool, it is possible to earn this badge faster.

    (*) If you terminate the ride prematurely it will not count towards this badge. Please make every effort to get everyone home safely, regardless of their behavior. Don’t forget to share your aux cord and stop at a drive thru if the passengers request it. Vomiting passengers provide you with opportunities to earn additional badges as well.


    Language Barrier
    Sometimes you pick up a passenger and they have their headphones on, or they don’t speak the same language as you, or they are too intoxicated to speak coherently. We recognize that communication may be difficult under these circumstances and are proud that you pushed through the challenge anyhow. For every 100 of these passengers you successfully take, we want to reward you with the Language Barrier badge and remind you to keep the Camera and Audio Recording permissions active on your phone, otherwise it may be difficult for us to determine who is eligible for this prestigious award.


    Uber Loves You
    Uber Loves You.jpg

    Through the continued use of our “Hell” program, we have been able to consistently determine which drivers are driving for multiple companies. The Uber Loves You badge is for those of you who drive 40+ hours per week exclusively with Uber each month. We truly appreciate your loyalty, and wonder what you did to get kicked off the competitor’s platform. But don’t tell us, we don’t really want to know.

    Thank you for your efforts, partner! In addition to your new badge, you are secretly given priority on most pings. We take care of our own, and you are one of us(*).

    (*) Not to be confused with an employee. You are an independent contractor. You are not really one of us. But you are. But you are not. Just take the damn badge and get back to driving. Click here for more information.


    Most 5 Stars Given
    Some passengers take their ratings very seriously. We recognize that an extremely small percentage of soon-to-be-deactivated drivers will avoid picking up low rated passengers. We at Uber want everyone to get a ride immediately.

    When passengers are rated higher, they feel better about themselves and are likely to use Uber more often. Higher passenger ratings means more money for you!

    The Most 5 Stars Given badge is for the drivers who do not bother to take the time to rate their passengers accurately, and simply give out a 5 star rating. You recognize that ratings discrimination is very real and will not be tolerated. (We take these issues very seriously.)

    To earn this badge you must rate at least 90% of your passengers 5 stars every week and give at least 20 rides for the week. With Pool and Express Pool the opportunity to give high ratings is even greater. For those of you who give every passenger 5 stars, every time, you deserve a special round of applause from Uber and from your passengers. Keep up the great work!


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    The struggle is real, and Uber here for you. We will continue to listen to your feedback, and do everything in our power to make the driving experience better for you, our valued driver-partners.

    Uber on!
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 13, 2018
Pitying fools
You better drive that car, fool! Make that money, sucka! I PITY THA FOOL that don't leave a tip!!

Comments

Discussion in 'Articles' started by Mista T, Nov 12, 2018.

    1. Uber Crack
      Uber Crack
      Hahaha! :D
      At first I thought this was legit :D
      Yay! Pick me for the happiness badge :)
      Karam Levi, jgiun1 and Mista T like this.
    2. NOLA gUber
      NOLA gUber
      Thought legit, also!! Well done, Mista T!! Smiling and laughing the whole read through. THANK YOU FOR THE LAUGHS!
      Truly, one of the best parts of driving is the company of all you strangers on this board who are crazy, fun, and have talents beyond stop and go! Love ya Uber family!!
      Last edited: Nov 13, 2018
    3. Mista T
      Mista T
      I'm curious how many people read this and clicked here, over and over, expecting something to happen.

      :)
    4. NOLA gUber
      NOLA gUber
      You got me!
      Pax Collector, jgiun1 and Mista T like this.
    5. Hamilton OC
      Hamilton OC
      Damn I'm swimming in these "new" badges. I clicked none of your here's. I always sense a ruse afoot when you're involved T.

      Just badges, mmmm lots of badges.
      jgiun1 and Mista T like this.
    6. jgiun1
      jgiun1

      Me twice....lol
    7. Uber Crack
      Uber Crack
      I did :D
    8. UberAwkwardAcuraGirl
      UberAwkwardAcuraGirl
      As usual, well written Mr. T! Andddd I qualify for several of those badges. I'm waiting. *stomps foot*
      Mista T and Pax Collector like this.
    9. Pax Collector
      Pax Collector
      Hi Fiona! Ubering in your totalled Toyota Rav4?
      UberAwkwardAcuraGirl likes this.
    10. UberAwkwardAcuraGirl
      UberAwkwardAcuraGirl
      Yes. And that wasn't my fault, although I did total my car. :( I blame Ford, that lying #%*#!@.
      Seamus and Pax Collector like this.
    11. Pax Collector
      Pax Collector
      Lol touche :D
      UberAwkwardAcuraGirl likes this.
    12. Kurt Halfyard
      Kurt Halfyard
      New UBER slogan: "We're not happy, until you're not happy."
    13. Christinebitg
      Christinebitg
      Stole that one from Air Canada, did ya? :)

      Christine
    14. Kurt Halfyard
      Kurt Halfyard
      Yup. Best 'unofficial' slogan in the history of business!
      Christinebitg likes this.
    15. Crosbyandstarsky
      Crosbyandstarsky
      This is the stupidest thing I ever heard
      Hamilton OC likes this.
    16. Mista T
      Mista T
      Well, you are still young. Plenty of time to hear much stupider things. Don't give up hope.
    17. Seamus
      Seamus
      As usual well done! I'll should be getting several of those badges!
      Mista T likes this.
    18. LABREN
      LABREN
      I'm so confused. What's with these badges? I don't see anything about earning more money.

      "Everyone knows that money is overrated. The satisfaction that comes from helping others is much more valuable than mere cash. We at Uber want to recognize you for your contribution to the human race with the No Tips For Me badge."
    19. Disgusted Driver
      Disgusted Driver
      Love it and it wasn't even April Fools! Great job!!
      iDriveuThrive, NOLA gUber and Mista T like this.

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