Ding. Ding. DING! Wecome to Round Three of our ongoing series of Love Letters.

This is our biweekly dive into the 'Golden Thread' of UP.NET (from the fine folks in the Washington D.C. sub-forum)
For years, the clever drivers of the nations Capital have been dealing with adversity (people are hard) from problem PAX, and, afterwards, reporting their travails using a healthy mixture of calm observation, and razor wit. It is a style that takes a few years to learn, and even longer to master. Suffice it to say, no driver in this space is beyond stooping to the level of bad PAX, if those seeking a cheap ride from A to B cannot fulfill the basic tenets of the social contract. Those drunk on the nectar of entitlement shall be smited, with magnaminity.

Please continue to follow along, and please do not take things wholly serious -- the authors below certainly do not.

Kicking things off is another classic from @Prius_McGilli - the zen-master of passive-aggressive, or is it aggressive-passive, or it may just aggressive-aggressive telling of truths:

Dear Taylor,

Yes, I can. I just choose not to.

While we’re on the subject of what we can and cannot do, can YOU just be where you’re supposed to be when you’re supposed to be there?
Can YOU not be a complete diva and blow up my phone 7 goddamn times after I’ve already arrived at the pick-up location?

Seriously, Taylor, this whole rideshare operation just isn’t that complicated...

As @yankdog so eloquently stated in the very first post in this thread, you and your phone calls have one thing in common:

Neither will be picked up.

Despite not wanting to lose the surge attached to your ride, I desperately wanted to rid myself of you and your itchy telephone finger, so I cancelled in the only reasonable fashion to achieve both of those goals:

I claimed that you - a person whom I never came into contact with - were not wearing a face cover or mask. I may have taken some liberties with the definition and expanse of those terms, however.

Not to worry. Nothing a little iPhone editing can’t fix.


I’m Not Talking...So Get Your Ass Walking,


Our second letter is from @ariel5466 from Richmond, VA. She has words about politeness and consideration when you are less than 50 feet away from the vehicle.

Dear Melvina,

Your house is on a busy street where there is no where to pull over without blocking a lane of traffic. It's no one's fault, it's just a fact.

So when I rolled by your house and didn't see anyone toes-to-the-curb, I pulled forward, about 40 feet or so, to where I could pull over, and I waited.

I wasn't hiding from you. But goddammit I should have.

After about a minute I hear someone screaming their head off behind me. I turn around and see you jumping up and down, waving your arms, and yelling, "HELLOOOOOOO?! WE'RE OVER HERE! WHAT THE @@@@?!"

What the @@@@ indeed, Melvina. You obviously don't need a ride that badly.

Have fun getting any ride in the future, because yes, that was me who reported you for not having a mask. This was on Lyft (I know, I should know better, but they bumped the rate card up 10% for the month), so I knew I could collect at least a measly $2 without having to wait for you to come over and start beating on my car.

Good Night and Good Luck (NOT),


Our third letter is from @CrazyT from Maryland. The mask issue will simply never go away, please follow the instructions of Baby Yoda.

Dear Kenneth,

Being a holiday weekend I realize not many people were needing to go somewhere, but being I was out early helping a friend I turned the app on. I received your ping and ordinarily a 20 minute to pick up is a hard pass, but there aren’t many drivers out and your location put you in one of the very nice neighborhoods of Annapolis, so why not.

I arrived in your neighborhood, at nearly the last exit before the Bay Bridge, and knew your ETA for drop off could put me well over on the Eastern Shore, but I didn’t have anything better to do anyway. I arrive at your address and you are not outside. Now a promised decent length trip I’m willing to let a little more slide than usual, but don’t be a paxhole. when you’re well into your charging for wait time and come strolling out of the yard behind the house, still getting dressed and talking to last night’s ho, I already knew this wasn’t happening. It was obvious when neither of you had a mask on or carrying them. You both get to the car and try the doors. Nope, see Yoda on the window. I nicely ask if you have masks. Your ho says oh we’ll be right back.

With 15 seconds left on the timer before the cancel button appears that’s the wrong answer. Uber waits 5 minutes for you. Period. Not 5 and then more if you say you’ll be right there, not I’ll just grab this quick and be back. At the 5 minute mark or less your hind parts need to be in the vehicle. That’s the rule and when it’s either busy or I have other things to do, that rule sticks. Sure it was a little inconvenient to cancel you, collect that long pickup/wait fee, turn the app off so your re-order didn’t mess up my acceptance rate, and head away from the bridge, but it was worth it.

I hadn’t planned on driving this morning, so that extra few bucks we’re going into my cookout food fund. Your fee just added another 1/2 lb of shrimp to my country boil.

A Driver With Good Eats.

Finally, we present a ⚡ LIGHTNING ROUND⚡ from the maestro of the rapid-shuffle, and the 1* prophylactic, @Another Uber Driver

Dear Holly:
I did not like your destination. Despite its being more than I expected, still, I did not like the payoff. Too bad that this was Fubar and not Gryft. Still, I awarded you one star for the crappy destination.
Hoping never to see you again,
Another Uber Driver

Dear Daquante767067:

Uh no, just no.
Never to be seeing you,
Another Uber Driver

Dear Nicole:

You have a small child; no car seat; no ride; not sorry.
Seeing you again/never,
Another Uber Driver

Dear M:

People with two initials for an I.D. usually are, at best, annoying. Those with just one are usually trouble. This is why I declined your ping.
Declining your ping always,
Another Uber Driver

Dear Crismely:

I hate third party rides. Your mother is a shining example of why. She did not eat in my car, but, I have seen less of a mess from someone who did.

Seeing you never,
Another Uber Driver

Dear LaSharisa:

When your ping first came in, there was no photograph in the little circle. This is no big deal as many Gryft users do not post avatars. I declined your ping, as it was thirteen minutes from me. That is too far. About five minutes later, I got your ping, again. This time, you put a photograph of some white woman in the circle. This time, you were sixteen minutes from me. I do not care who, what or anything else that you are: anything over five minutes is TOO FAR and will be declined.
Never to accept your request,
Another Uber Driver

Dear Naomi:

I was going to write a letter that complained about all of the bother that I had to take to transport you, but I just noticed that you gave me a tip, so, rather than complaining, I will simply thank you for the tip.
With sincere thanks,
Another Uber Driver
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Kurt Halfyard

Kurt Halfyard

Chemist. Father. Zardoz Fan.
Dear Andrew:

I clearly remember how on one fine summer evening, I got a Poo ping from Dufferin Mall Walmart. The combination of Poo fare and Walmart should have been a red flag, but the masochist in me accepted it anyway.

As I pulled up to Walmart, there you were....with a whole bunch of plastic bins spooned together. Each of these bins were so big, you could sit in one of them and bath your grimy skin clean. When I saw that, I said; “no. No. OH HELL NO!!! You are NOT going to pack up my car with all that crap on a discount fare!”

Just to make sure it was you, you will recall how I pulled up, slightly rolled down the pax side window and asked: “Andrew?” Oh Andrew! If only you knew how your face lit up like a city Christmas Tree Lighting Ceremony; which indicated to me that I wasn’t the first driver you were trying this stunt with that evening; and they all probably advised you about the fun and good times you could have with your mother in the privacy of her bedroom, before driving off without you.

And you surely remember how, like the other driver(s) before me, I simply rolled up my own window, drove off and cancelled the trip. I could actually feel the disappointment you felt as yet another driver left you standing in front of Walmart. Give me this much, Andrew: at least I didn’t mention your mom.

In closing: I really don’t know how you eventually got all that crap back to your hovel; and I really couldn’t care less, either. I’m trying really hard to think of some sage words of advise to give you; But then again, it should have been obvious to anyone with two brain cells to rub together that what you were attempting to do was just totally naff. Thus I’m not going to bother; and I sincerely hope that you eventually come to realize the error of your ways.

Sincerely, your (almost) rideshare driver,

Yam Digger.
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