Love Letters To Our Passengers (Vol. 1)

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Welcome to the beginning of a (hopefully) ongoing front page article series. Love Letters, focuses on the discriminating Uber Driver, one who copes with some of the more painful idiosyncrasies of the gig economy with wit, style, and the passive-aggressive teaching of lessons. We are not beyond stooping to the level of bad PAX, if they cannot fulfill the basic tenets of the social contract, or are stewing in entitlement.

It is amazing what you can find if you dig through the various regional nooks and crannys of the forum. The fine drivers over in the Washington DC subforum have had a thread doling out Love Letters to passengers who learned some of the finer points in ride-sharing etiquette. That is to say, the driver has an obligation, and the passenger has an obligation. If the latter fails miserably, the former can dole out punishment, and make the all around bad behaviour famous in the pages of UPdotNet.

Follow along, and please do not take things wholly serious. The author's below certainly do not.

Our first letter is on the dangers of smoking in L.A. from @PMartino (aka Taillight Tommy)

Dear Ashleigh,

I saw you see me as I approached the Standard where you and your squad stood talking and smoking. You were looking at your phone so I'm guessing you were watching my 'map-ant' get nearer, and then you actually saw my car! But you swivelled your head back to the conversation and seemed to try and make it appear that you did not know your Uber had arrived.
A big thank you for keeping me waiting for five minutes! That's the magic number, you know, and I enjoyed your cancellation fee more than I would have enjoyed driving you I'm sure.
You've come a long way baby. But you won't get far, in my car.


Love,
Taillight Tommy


---

Our second letter is from @Tars Tarkas in Virginia

Dear Ahmed,

It's dark and raining heavily in morning rush hour on congested Route 50. You call twice, which I ignore. I call you back at a stop light.
"Hello. You called?"
"Yes. Could you hurry? I'm running late."
"What?
"Could you come faster? I'm running late.
". . . Sure."
Ahmed, it sounded like you wanted to cancel the pickup, so I did it for you. Now you're running even more late, but it was your call.


Best,
Tars


---

Our third letter is during a frigid Washington New Year's Day from a couple years ago, but features some flamboyant diction from @koyotemohn , and is well worth highlighting here.

Dear Lola

I picked you up behind from Friday’s out at upper Marlboro. Planet icebox was 15 degrees. I wished you a happy new year and in thoughtful fashion...you took my kindness for weakness...which makes you a scumbag to us, right?
Right.
So I told you your destination and the eta and when you learned it would take 25 minutes of our lives to get there you aggressively protested. I showed you the eta on Uber and on waze as my backbone began standing up for the rest of my soul.
I told you it’s 15 degrees outside....
You then said some vapid bewshizzle like “The customer is always right...I know because I work in customer service!”
So you think you can crack a whip on old koyote ....don’t you.... You fancy the idea of having your driver being a temp servant for some chump change....don’t you?
DON’T YOU?
Little did you know that I’m a deplorable son of a gun. I’m not getting on my knees for the likes of you and my backbone just don’t bend over backwards for bewshit behavior. As that roadmanian rage bubbled up from the spine to my steering wheel...My ride was clean with a balmy 70 degrees Fahrenheit... And all that tropical heat obviously gave you a case of kiss my arse the way I like it.
(I knew the night would be incomplete without a clutch decision.)
Let me help alleviate that with a U-turn back into the mall parking lot...About 3 city blocks from Friday’s.
"This ride is ending early based on your bad attitude. Exit the vehicle now."
"You will never make money acting like this, I’m going to report you to Uber!"
"Be my guest and get out of the vehicle right right now, please...your money means nothing to me."
"@@@@ you u punk ass @@@@@." (slams door)
"Enjoy planet icebox!"
Apart from the sweet satisfaction of leaving you where Jesus left you...Your ride still counted on my quest. I still got paid. And then the Uber switchboard had a lag, while I was picking up Charlene 5 minutes later, and you called screaming...futilely.
But, you can kick rocks with those frost bitten toes, I thought.
My folder of fornications got furloughed a few months ago.


Happy new year from a deplorable.
Kisses,
Koyotemohn


---

Finally, we have @SOLA-RAH, also from the D.C. area, who is well into a case of the COVID Pandemic blues.

Dear Joe,

You are the worst of the worst. A 4.69 rating but in the middle of an $18 streak is the only reason we ever crossed paths. 5 riders?!? All unmasked?!?!? All carrying a solo cup? All of you admitting to being only 18? OMG, what’d I do to deserve this one?
No, you’re not gonna “Venmo me $30 to do you a solid” on a 10-mile ride around the Beltway with drunk idiots.
What’s this?
One of your bros dumped a Seagrams wine cooler in my backseat to protest being refused a ride?
Thanks for the $80.
My backseat smelled like a sorority party for a week, and it was almost worth it...almost.


May we never meet again,
SOLA-RAH
 
Last edited:
Kurt Halfyard

Comments

View attachment 502940

Welcome to the beginning of a (hopefully) ongoing front page article series. Love Letters, focuses on the discriminating Uber Driver, one who copes with some of the more painful idiosyncrasies of the gig economy with wit, style, and the passive-aggressive teaching of lessons. We are not beyond stooping to the level of bad PAX, if they cannot fulfill the basic tenets of the social contract, or are stewing in entitlement.

It is amazing what you can find if you dig through the various regional nooks and crannys of the forum. The fine drivers over in the Washington DC subforum have had a thread doling out Love Letters to passengers who learned some of the finer points in ride-sharing etiquette. That is to say, the driver has an obligation, and the passenger has an obligation. If the latter fails miserably, the former can dole out punishment, and make the all around bad behaviour famous in the pages of UPdotNet.

Follow along, and please do not take things wholly serious. The author's below certainly do not.

Our first letter is on the dangers of smoking in L.A. from @PMartino (aka Taillight Tommy)

Dear Ashleigh,

I saw you see me as I approached the Standard where you and your squad stood talking and smoking. You were looking at your phone so I'm guessing you were watching my 'map-ant' get nearer, and then you actually saw my car! But you swivelled your head back to the conversation and seemed to try and make it appear that you did not know your Uber had arrived.
A big thank you for keeping me waiting for five minutes! That's the magic number, you know, and I enjoyed your cancellation fee more than I would have enjoyed driving you I'm sure.
You've come a long way baby. But you won't get far, in my car.


Love,
Taillight Tommy


---

Our second letter is from @Tars Tarkas in Virginia

Dear Ahmed,

It's dark and raining heavily in morning rush hour on congested Route 50. You call twice, which I ignore. I call you back at a stop light.
"Hello. You called?"
"Yes. Could you hurry? I'm running late."
"What?
"Could you come faster? I'm running late.
". . . Sure."
Ahmed, it sounded like you wanted to cancel the pickup, so I did it for you. Now you're running even more late, but it was your call.


Best,
Tars


---

Our third letter is during a frigid Washington New Year's Day from a couple years ago, but features some flamboyant diction from @koyotemohn , and is well worth highlighting here.

Dear Lola

I picked you up behind from Friday’s out at upper Marlboro. Planet icebox was 15 degrees. I wished you a happy new year and in thoughtful fashion...you took my kindness for weakness...which makes you a scumbag to us, right?
Right.
So I told you your destination and the eta and when you learned it would take 25 minutes of our lives to get there you aggressively protested. I showed you the eta on Uber and on waze as my backbone began standing up for the rest of my soul.
I told you it’s 15 degrees outside....
You then said some vapid bewshizzle like “The customer is always right...I know because I work in customer service!”
So you think you can crack a whip on old koyote ....don’t you.... You fancy the idea of having your driver being a temp servant for some chump change....don’t you?
DON’T YOU?
Little did you know that I’m a deplorable son of a gun. I’m not getting on my knees for the likes of you and my backbone just don’t bend over backwards for bewshit behavior. As that roadmanian rage bubbled up from the spine to my steering wheel...My ride was clean with a balmy 70 degrees Fahrenheit... And all that tropical heat obviously gave you a case of kiss my arse the way I like it.
(I knew the night would be incomplete without a clutch decision.)
Let me help alleviate that with a U-turn back into the mall parking lot...About 3 city blocks from Friday’s.
"This ride is ending early based on your bad attitude. Exit the vehicle now."
"You will never make money acting like this, I’m going to report you to Uber!"
"Be my guest and get out of the vehicle right right now, please...your money means nothing to me."
"@@@@ you u punk ass @@@@@." (slams door)
"Enjoy planet icebox!"
Apart from the sweet satisfaction of leaving you where Jesus left you...Your ride still counted on my quest. I still got paid. And then the Uber switchboard had a lag, while I was picking up Charlene 5 minutes later, and you called screaming...futilely.
But, you can kick rocks with those frost bitten toes, I thought.
My folder of fornications got furloughed a few months ago.


Happy new year from a deplorable.
Kisses,
Koyotemohn


---

Finally, we have @SOLA-RAH, also from the D.C. area, who is well into a case of the COVID Pandemic blues.

Dear Joe,

You are the worst of the worst. A 4.69 rating but in the middle of an $18 streak is the only reason we ever crossed paths. 5 riders?!? All unmasked?!?!? All carrying a solo cup? All of you admitting to being only 18? OMG, what’d I do to deserve this one?
No, you’re not gonna “Venmo me $30 to do you a solid” on a 10-mile ride around the Beltway with drunk idiots.
What’s this?
One of your bros dumped a Seagrams wine cooler in my backseat to protest being refused a ride?
Thanks for the $80.
My backseat smelled like a sorority party for a week, and it was almost worth it...almost.


May we never meet again,
SOLA-RAH
Adding A Love Letter....

Get a ping, 23xx "E" Street. Which is E Street, near 23rd Avenue. I start driving, 5 miles to pickup.
Text from pax, "Pick me up on Highland and " H" Street. Highland is essentially 20th, so his new pickup is 3 blocks South, 3 blocks west of original.

I pull off the freeway, find a parking lot, and text back. "You will need to change the address in your app."

Reply, "ok, never mind. I'll be at E street".

I continue driving. As I get off the freeway, I get 3, count em, 3, fast paced texts! Like, before I move a city block, all 3 hit my phone!! All the same, "I'm looking for you"

This is getting very close to a cancel in my book, but I'm only a couple of blocks away. I figure, let's see what this idiot looks like before I cancel. I'm in the left turn lane for E Street, text message, "Turn Left!"

OMG, this guy is a true Ultra-Maroon! (Quote Bugs Bunny). There are 3 cars turning left, I'm the lead car. The light turns green, I turn, about 3 blocks to pick up. Suddenly, this idiot JUMPS out between 2 cars from the left side of the street, and runs across the street right in front of me! I brake hard, swerve to avoid killing the S.O.B. (I know, but the paperwork is horrible) and get around him. Fortunately, the cars behind me are just as aware, no one hit anything.

I stop 3 blocks away, got the timer going, while I catch my breath and try to get my heart rate back. I look up and this IDIOT is running down the middle of the street trying to catch me. Like, he thinks I'm allowing him anywhere near my car?

Why doesn't Uber have a cancel option, "Too Stupid to be a pax"?
 
OMG! The love letters thread in DC has always been my favorite, I can only aspireto such greatness, thanks for calling attention to it.
The DC thread was in my opinion UP's finest thread.
Adding A Love Letter....
Everyone here is aware that we do welcome out-of-market contributions to that topic, correctamundo?

I have to love the option that @OldUncleDave wants added: "Too Stupid to Be a Passenger".
 
I once took one of our drunk restaurant owners home at 4am on a Wednesday morning to his lifestyle block home. When we got there he said," Simon let's go for a ride in my new car. I can't drive, but you can." So I signed off for a bit, and we jumped in to his Nissan Skyline TwinTurbo. Holy crap, it could go, and handle. Hammer down, and my head banged into the headrest with my blood being forced to the back of my head. 200kph on one of our little country roads when I chickened out. Phew. Next time I took him home, I drive his 1976 Hillman Avenger GLS. ( Look it up!) Totally different kettle of fish. He has cars, his wife has horses, and no kids of course!
 
Everyone here is aware that we do welcome out-of-market contributions to that topic, correctamundo?

I have to love the option that @OldUncleDave wants added: "Too Stupid to Be a Passenger".
Yes we love getting other markets in on the fun. I frequently read these to my non-driver friends and family just for entertainment.

We DEFINITELY need a too stupid button on there. I’ll even take an Are You Serious button.
 
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