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lighten up Chicago... let's tell jokes

Jinxstone

Well-Known Member
A moth goes into a podiatrist's office and asks to see the doctor. Curious, he agrees and the moth is taken to an exam room where he says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My life is getting out of control. My wife wants a divorce, the kids hate me, I'm in debt and about to lose my job. I'm so depressed I can barely get out of bed." The doctor says, "My God, that's terrible. You really need help but I'm a podiatrist and it sounds like you need a psychiatrist. What made you come to see me?" And the moth says, "Your light was on."
 

WestBurbsMac

Well-Known Member
  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #6
A moth goes into a podiatrist's office and asks to see the doctor. Curious, he agrees and the moth is taken to an exam room where he says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My life is getting out of control. My wife wants a divorce, the kids hate me, I'm in debt and about to lose my job. I'm so depressed I can barely get out of bed." The doctor says, "My God, that's terrible. You really need help but I'm a podiatrist and it sounds like you need a psychiatrist. What made you come to see me?" And the moth says, "Your light was on."
LOL
 

WestBurbsMac

Well-Known Member
  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #7
An older guy comes from from the doctor. His wife asked what the doctor said.
"He said I either have Alzheimers or AIDS."
"WHAT? What does he say to do?"
The guy just shrugs and goes for a nap.
The wife calls the office and gets the nurse. "I'm sorry, the doctor has left for the day, what did your husband say?"
"He said he either has Alzheimers or AIDS. What should I do?

Nurse says, "I would suggest you drop him off a few blocks from home. If he makes it home, don't @@@@ him."
 

zandor

Active Member
Rod, George, and Dan walk into a bar.
Rod pulls out a needle and shoots up. The bartender gives him a dirty look.
Rod passes the needle to George, who also shoots up. The bartender gives them a really dirty look, threatens to call the police, and tells they "you could get AIDS from doing that."
Rod, George, and Dan look at him like he's crazy.
George passes the needle to Dan, who proceeds to shoot up. The bartender says "ok, you're out of here, and you really could get AIDS from doing that."
Rod, George, and Dan reply "No we won't, we're wearing condoms!"
 

Jinxstone

Well-Known Member
A man and his wife are in bed sleeping when they hear someone banging on their front door. The husband goes downstairs and opens the door where he finds a man standing in a pouring rainstorm who asks, "Can you give me a push?" "Are you crazy," the husband says, "It's 3 a.m. Get out of here." He goes back upstairs and tells his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very kind of you. Remember when we got stuck a few months ago and those two nice men pushed us out?" The man starts to feel guilty so he gets dressed and goes out to his front yard in the rain. He calls out, "Hey fella. You still need a push? Where are you?" And he hears the man's voice from his backyard say, "Yes. I'm over here on the swing."
 

PRC

Active Member
The guy asks his bartender:
- Joe, I've been a regular for several years now, and I have noticed that you always under filling beer in the glass. Why?
- Well, you know bud, I am old now, my vision is not as good as it used to be, you feel me?
- Sure Joe, I understand. But why then you never over fill the glass?
- What, do you think I am blind????
 

Umax

Member
A drunk walks in to a bar and tells the bar tender I'll like to buy a drink for everyone including your self !
after a while the bartender tells the drunk you owe me $180 the drunk tells him I have no money !
The bartender beats the !/$&&. out the drunk and
throws him out the alley door !!

The next day he comes in again and the bartender
tells him wait wait don't tell me you want to buy everyone
a drink including my self again ?? the drunk tells him No I want to buy a drink for everyone except you! Bartender asked why not me ! The drunk tells him because when you drink you get violent !!!
 
Last edited by a moderator:

Kuber

Active Member
Guy orders a 25 year old Scotch, bartender brings it over, guy takes a sip and spits it out- " that's 12 year old Scotch, I said 25!"... bartender brings him another one, guy sips and spits out again- "I said 25 year old Scotch, this is 17 year old crap!". Drunk at end of bar saddles over and says "here buddy, take a swig of this". Guy takes a drink, spits it out and says "that tastes like piss!"- Drunk says " yes... but how old am I?"
 

Jinxstone

Well-Known Member
Traveling salesman's car breaks down and he walks to a nearby farmhouse to see if they can put him up for the night. Farmer says he can sleep in the barn with the animals. The salesman agrees and heads for the barn. Early the next morning when the farmer gets to the barn to do his chores he's surprised to find the salesman awake, dressed and very excited. "Come in Mr. Farmer. You have an amazing place here. Your animals can talk." The farmer doesn't know what he's talking about so the salesman drags him over to the cow who turns and says, "Good morning Mr. Farmer." The farmer is astounded. He had no idea. "That's not all," said the salesman who brings him to the horse, who whinnys and says, "Hi there Mr. Farmer." The farmer is speechless as the salesman walks him over to the pig who snorts, "Morning Farmer Brown." Now the farmer is dazed and amazed. "There's more," said the salesman, "Over here you have a talking sheep." And the farmer screams, "THE SHEEP LIES!!!!!"
 
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