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Let’s play Uber Jeopardy!

<< If you have never seen Jeopardy on TV, you should really watch it before reading this >>





Hello! I’m your host, Alex Trebek, and we are here tonight with a special edition of Jeopardy. Tonight we have with us three Uber drivers who will be playing to win money for the charity of their choice. Each of these experienced Uber drivers has over 200 rides given and holds a very high star rating of at least 4.70 on the Uber platform. We have here with us Adam from Atlanta, Jack from New York City, and Manny from Des Moines. Gentlemen, if you are ready, then let’s play Jeopardy!

upload_2019-2-1_9-4-13.png


Six categories on the board. Pax Problems, Evil Programs, What’s That Smell, Lies and More Lies, DOJ Investigations, and Noteworthy People. Before the show began we decided that Adam from Atlanta would choose the first category. Remember, contestants, that all answers must be in the form of a question. Let’s begin!

Adam: Alex, I’ll take What’s That Smell for $100.

Gentlemen, in this category we will be bringing out 3 jars with a strong odor in them, one jar will be placed in front of each of you. We will be opening the jars at the same time, and whomever can identify the smell correctly first, wins.

upload_2019-2-1_9-4-27.png


(Assistants bring out jars and open them at the same time, assistants gag at the smell)

Jack: -DING- That’s the smell of $150 in my pocket, Alex! What is vomit!

Correct, vomit is the correct substance. OMG, how do you guys deal with that smell? Assistants, please take that stuff away, thank you.

Jack: Yes! (pumps fist) I’ll take What’s That Smell for $200.

(Fresh round of jars comes out)

Adam: -DING- What is nasty drive thru french fries.

Judges? ……. Yes, french fries are correct.

Adam: I’ll take Noteworthy People for $100.

Noteworthy People for $100. This …

Adam: -DING- Who is Travis Kalanick.

Correct, Travis Kalanick was the original CEO and bad boy of Uber.

Adam: Noteworthy People for $200.

This …

Adam: -DING- Who is Dara Khoznosnoshi.

Judges? ……. No, that is incorrect.

Jack: -DING- Who is Dara Khashalaki.

I don’t think the judges will take that one either, judges? …….. No, sorry, that is incorrect. This individual of Iranian heritage and the former CEO of Expedia.com is the current CEO of Uber. Manny? This one is all yours if you know the person’s name.

Manny: (silence)

-BZZZZZT-

Who is Dara Khos-row-sha-hi. Adam, you retain control, please choose a category.

Adam: Oh brother. Like his last name really matters. What’s That Smell for $300.

(New jars are brought out and opened up)

Adam: -DING- What is B.O.. What is body odor.

Jack: I don’t smell anything.

Adam: That’s ‘cause you stink, you need a shower.

Jack: No I don’t!

Adam: Dude, you REEK. Bet you haven’t showered for three days.

Jack: Four. So what? I still don’t stink. All I do is sit in a car all day. It’s not like I’m working out and getting all sweaty.

Adam: That’s obvious too, big boy. You stink.

Jack: Oh yeah? Then how come my passengers don’t complain? How come my roommates don’t complain, huh? Tell me that!

Adam: Because you’re gone all the time, and when you get home you probably sit in your room behind a closed door and play video games, don’t you? Bet your rating is in the low 4.7s. That’s your passengers trying to tell you something!

Gentlemen, please, let’s keep it civilized.

Adam: Fine. What’s That Smell for $400.

(New jars come out, get opened up)

Jack: -DING- What is rum and coke.

Judges? … Very good sniffer, Jack, what is rum is what we were looking for.

Jack: What’s That Smell for $500.

(New jars, new smell)

Manny: -DING- Que es mear.

Pardon me? No, that is not …… correction, the judges say yes. “Mear” is Spanish for piss. Good job Manny, you are on the board. Manny, please choose your next category.

Manny: No hablo Ingles.

What? … Did he just say he doesn’t speak English? No English?

Manny: No Ingles.

Oh my gosh ... Can someone … what the … how is this possible?

Jack: Yo, man, relax. You don’t have to speak English to be an Uber driver. All you got to do is get them from point A to point B. You say Hello, and Good bye, and that’s it.

Manny: Hola! Adios! Five .. star .. for you .. amigo! Please .. give .. tip!

(Manny, Jack and Adam fist bump all around)

Can we go to commercial? Can someone please get him some sort of translator or something? Shouldn’t these people be on Wheel instead?


C O M M E R C I A L B R E A K


Okay, we are back, and we have a headset for Manny so he can have the answers translated for him (you see Manny with an earpiece). Manny, choose a category.

Manny: (points at board) A la derecha. Y arriba arriba.

Jack: He said to the right, up top.

Okay, Lies and More Lies for $100, is that what you want Manny?

(Manny nods his head)

upload_2019-2-1_9-5-33.png


When Uber first started …

Jack: -DING- What is the tip is included.

Uhm, that is correct.

Jack: Lies and More Lies for $200.

When one of the bigger pay cuts …

Jack: -DING- What is lower prices means more money.

Uhm … correct.

Jack: Lies and More Lies for $300.

This lie is told to cities, states and governments ...

Adam: -DING- What is we are just a technology company.

Correct.

Adam: Pax Problems for $100.

This problem occurs when there are ..

Adam: -DING- What is too many people. Pax Problems for $200.

Uhm … correct. Okay … When a passenger has a small ...

Adam: -DING- What is an emotional support animal. What is a fake service animal. Pax Problems for $300.

No, that is not correct. When a passenger has a small child …

Jack: -DING- What is no car seat.

Correct. Do people actually try to get you to give them a ride without a car seat for their child? I find that hard to believe.

Manny: La gente piensa que por diez dólares nos poseen.

I … assume that means yes. Jack, your turn to choose a category.

Jack: Alex, I want to cash out my earnings before I continue.

upload_2019-2-1_9-6-7.png


(long stare) That’s … not how it works.

Jack: Bullspit. I want my money. I’ll pay the fifty cents for InstantPay. Transfer my money to my bank, then we can keep going.

We don’t … this is for charity.

Jack: Yeah, I got my charity. ME! I’m the neediest dude that I know. Now cash me out. I need new brakes.

Adam: Me too. Cash me out Alex.

You can’t choose yourself as a charity.

Jack: Why not?

Adam: My MOTHER is my charity. She’s in a wheelchair. She needs the money more than some stupid Goodwill store. Hold on, I’ll call her and get her bank account information.

Gentlemen, please stop. There is only one winner, and the money is distributed at the END of the show to a QUALIFIED charity of your choice.

Adam: Man, that’s bull!

Jack: Yeah!

May we continue? Jack, it is your turn to choose a category.

Manny: Donde esta el bano?

Jack: Yeah, I gotta go too. Where’s the toilet?

Gentlemen, we are in the middle of the show, you need to please wait until we take a commercial break.

Adam: I am an independent contractor, Alex, and I don’t gotta wait for nothin’. Unless you wanna put me on the payroll and make me an employee, I’m taking a break NOW.

Manny: IN – DEE – PEN – DANT … CON – TRACT – O!

(Sigh) Okay, let’s take a really short commercial break.

Adam: Don’t count on it being short, Alex. I got gas in my tank, if you know what I mean. Might be a while, buddy.


C O M M E R C I A L B R E A K

upload_2019-2-1_9-6-55.png


Okay, we are back. Let’s take a minute to meet one of our contestants. Adam, tell us about yourself.

Adam: Well, I drive Uber and Eats and Lyft and Amazon Flex, and I’m a massage therapist on the side.

Interesting. How did you get into massage therapy?

Adam: My ex-girlfriend, she got mad because I was always touching other women, see, so one day we were fighting and she says “if you want to go touch other women so bad, why don’t you go get a job doing it, at least you’d make some real money.” So, I did.

Huh. So you went to school and became a massage therapist?

Adam: No, no school. I started just doing massage. See, it was just massage, but sometimes these women would be telling me their problems while they’re laying there on the bed. So … I’m like a therapist, right? Massage … therapist.

But, what about a license?

Adam: I got a license, how do you think I drive for Uber? Stupid.

(long pause) Okay, let’s get back to the game. Jack, I believe it is your turn.

Jack: Evil Programs for $100, Alex.

This program …

Adam: -DING- What is Hell.

No, that is incorrect.

Jack: -DING- What is Greyball.

No. This program allows Uber to track all drivers and passengers at any time, whether they are online or not.

Manny: (silence)

What is God View. Jack, you are still in control.

Jack: Evil Programs for $200, Alex.

This program …

Jack: -DING- What is Greyball

No.

Adam: -DING- What is Hell.

No. This program allows Uber’s tech people in San Francisco to remotely wipe an entire market’s servers clean in under a minute in the event of a raid by local law enforcement.

Manny: (silence)

What is Ripley, named after the character in the movie Aliens, when Sigourney Weaver firebombed the alien nest of eggs. Jack, choose a category.

Jack: Evil Programs for $300 Alex.

This program …

Jack: -DING- What is Hell.

Adam: Dude, that’s my answer!

No, that answer is incorrect.

Adam: -DING- What is Greyball.

No. This program was used to illegally capture data about a rival company’s drivers in southeast Asia.

Manny: (silence)

What is SurfCam. Jack?

Jack: Evil Programs for $400.

This program …

Adam: -DING- What is Hell.

No. This program allows Uber to charge different prices to different people for the same exact ride, blatantly discriminating based on their demographics and ride history.

Jack: -DING- What is Upfront Pricing.

No.

Jack: What? Yes it is!

Judges? ….. That is not correct, and that is not the name of the program.

Manny: (silence)

The question is, what is Firehouse. Jack, still your turn to choose.

Jack: Evil Programs for $500.

This program …

Manny: -DING- Que es Hell.

Jack: You jerk.

Correct! Manny, your turn to choose a category.

Manny: Numero cuatro.

Lies and More Lies for $400? (Manny nods) This lie is when a passenger wants ..

Jack: -DING- What is I will be right back.

Judges? …… The judges say that is good enough, what is I will be really quick or what is I will only be a minute.

Jack: Lies and More Lies for $500.

When a passenger says ..

Adam: -DING- What is I will tip you in the app.

Wow, you guys really know this category! Correct!

Adam: I’ve given a lot of rides, Alex.

Jack: (nods) Me too.

Adam: Okay, let’s do DOJ Investigations for $100.

This investigation alleges that Uber ..

Adam: -DING- What is Hell. What is spying on Lyft drivers.

No, that is not correct. This investigation alleges that Uber stole something from a competitor called Waymo.

(Silence all around)

What is theft of trade secrets. Even though the lawsuit was settled, the DOJ is still investigating for possible criminal charges. Adam?

Adam: DOJ Investigations for $200.

This investigation stems from the use of Greyball.

(Silence all around)

What is obstruction of justice. Uber is accused of hiding vehicles from law enforcement authorities, which is obstruction of justice. Adam?

Adam: I’ll try one more. DOJ Investigations for $300.

This investigation was sparked from an event that happened in India in 2014.

(Silence all around)

What is bribery of a foreign official. After an incident where a driver assaulted a passenger, an Uber representative illegally obtained the victim’s medical records. This brought up the accusation of bribery of a foreign official, since the records were illegally obtained from an Indian police officer, who is considered to be a foreign official.

Adam: Screw this. Let’s do Noteworthy People for $300.

This Uber engineer turned whistleblower ..

Jack: -DING- Who is Sarah Fowler.

Judges? …….. No, that is incorrect. This Uber engineer turned whistleblower exposed the dark side of the bro culture within Uber.

(Silence all around)

Who is Susan Fowler.

Jack: Ah, man, seriously? Who cares what her first name is? That’s a bunch of horse …

Jack, please, no inappropriate comments. Let’s keep it clean, okay? Adam, still your turn.

Adam: Noteworthy People for $400.

This former District Attorney performed an investigation within Uber ..

Adam: -DING- Aaron Shoulder. Who is Aaron Shoulder.

No, that is incorrect. Judges? …… Sorry Adam, that is incorrect.

Jack: -DING- Who is Aaron Homer.

No, that is incorrect also. This former District Attorney performed an investigation within Uber because of the Fowler accusations, and gave 20 recommendations on what Uber could do to clean up their act. Manny?

Manny: (silence)

Who is Eric Holder. The Holder report was given to Uber’s board in 2017, and the board agreed on all 20 of the recommendations contained within, but at this point Uber still has not implemented all 20 of the suggestions. At the time of the report, it was a brilliant and necessary PR move, but apparently it was nothing more than hype. Adam?

Adam: Noteworthy People for $500.

This person filed a lawsuit against the former CEO Travis Kalanick for gross mismanagement, and was the catalyst for TK’s eventual resignation.

(Silence all around)

Who is Bill Gurley of Benchmark Capital.

-DING--DING--DING--DING-

And that is all the time we have for the regular round. Let’s take a quick commercial break, and when we return we will have one final question, where our contestants can bet it all!


C O M M E R C I A L B R E A K

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We are back, and the final question of the day is next. The category is “Competition”. Gentlemen, please take a moment and write down how much of your earnings you wish to wager on this final question. We will take just a moment ...

Is everyone ready? Very good. Here is the answer: Based in China, this is one of the world’s largest privately held companies, with an estimated market valuation worth well over 50 billion US dollars. This company beat Uber at the ride hailing game in China, and has since expanded into Mexico to attempt the same thing. The first part of the company’s name translates in English as “Beep Beep”. I will give you all some time.

((( - famous Jeopardy jingle plays - )))

Okay, here we are. Let’s start with Adam.

Adam: (flips over card – “Who is Lyft”) Lyft is the only other company that I know, Alex, I thought you were gonna ask about Lyft. I thought they were the biggest competitor. But they’re not from China.

Ooh, sorry Adam. Lyft is Uber’s biggest competitor in the United States and Canada, but in the rest of the world they are still unknown. How much did you wager?

Adam: All of it.

Ouch, sorry Adam, that puts you at zero dollars. Jack, how about you.

Jack: Well, I knew that Lyft wasn’t right because they aren’t Chinese, but the only other companies I know are Via and Juno, since I drive for both of them. So I put Juno. (flips card – “Who is Juno”)

That is incorrect as well. Juno was bought out by Gett, which is an Israeli company. Interestingly enough, Juno initially offered drivers stock options for driving for them, but when Gett bought them out they backed out of that promise, angering a lot of drivers and sparking some lawsuits. Jack, how much did you wager?

Jack: All of it. I thought you were going to ask about Lyft also.

Oh, sorry Jack. Too bad. Manny?

Manny: Viva Mexico! (flips card – “Quien es Didi”)

Judges? …… Yes, the judges will accept that. The correct name is “DidiChuxing”, or “Didi” for short. Congratulations! How much did you wager, Manny?

Manny: (silence) (flips card - $0)

Oh, Manny! That is too bad. But still, you have won the game with $1,000 in total earnings, versus zero for each of your competitors. Tell us Manny, what is your charity that you will be giving the money to?

Manny: Mi caridad es mi madre. Ella esta en una silla de ruedas. [[ Translation: My charity is my mother. She is in a wheelchair. ]]

(sigh)

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<< Special thank you to KD_LA for help with some graphics >>


<< Credit to Jay Dean for the original thread/post, where this idea stemmed from >>



Click here for no more info





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Mr T

Comments

Solid 5

Well-Known Member
Ok dude I’m being totally serious....there is a guy who worked in NYC, he has a blog and wrote a book about serving and the restaurant business, he’s called “The @@@@@y Waiter” (also the name of his book). You gotta find a way to market this talent you have.

Word that was blocked rhymes with “itchy”
 

tohunt4me

Well-Known Member
<< If you have never seen Jeopardy on TV, you should really watch it before reading this >>





Hello! I’m your host, Alex Trebek, and we are here tonight with a special edition of Jeopardy. Tonight we have with us three Uber drivers who will be playing to win money for the charity of their choice. Each of these experienced Uber drivers has over 200 rides given and holds a very high star rating of at least 4.70 on the Uber platform. We have here with us Adam from Atlanta, Jack from New York City, and Manny from Des Moines. Gentlemen, if you are ready, then let’s play Jeopardy!

View attachment 293698

Six categories on the board. Pax Problems, Evil Programs, What’s That Smell, Lies and More Lies, DOJ Investigations, and Noteworthy People. Before the show began we decided that Adam from Atlanta would choose the first category. Remember, contestants, that all answers must be in the form of a question. Let’s begin!

Adam: Alex, I’ll take What’s That Smell for $100.

Gentlemen, in this category we will be bringing out 3 jars with a strong odor in them, one jar will be placed in front of each of you. We will be opening the jars at the same time, and whomever can identify the smell correctly first, wins.

View attachment 293699

(Assistants bring out jars and open them at the same time, assistants gag at the smell)

Jack: -DING- That’s the smell of $150 in my pocket, Alex! What is vomit!

Correct, vomit is the correct substance. OMG, how do you guys deal with that smell? Assistants, please take that stuff away, thank you.

Jack: Yes! (pumps fist) I’ll take What’s That Smell for $200.

(Fresh round of jars comes out)

Adam: -DING- What is nasty drive thru french fries.

Judges? ……. Yes, french fries are correct.

Adam: I’ll take Noteworthy People for $100.

Noteworthy People for $100. This …

Adam: -DING- Who is Travis Kalanick.

Correct, Travis Kalanick was the original CEO and bad boy of Uber.

Adam: Noteworthy People for $200.

This …

Adam: -DING- Who is Dara Khoznosnoshi.

Judges? ……. No, that is incorrect.

Jack: -DING- Who is Dara Khashalaki.

I don’t think the judges will take that one either, judges? …….. No, sorry, that is incorrect. This individual of Iranian heritage and the former CEO of Expedia.com is the current CEO of Uber. Manny? This one is all yours if you know the person’s name.

Manny: (silence)

-BZZZZZT-

Who is Dara Khos-row-sha-hi. Adam, you retain control, please choose a category.

Adam: Oh brother. Like his last name really matters. What’s That Smell for $300.

(New jars are brought out and opened up)

Adam: -DING- What is B.O.. What is body odor.

Jack: I don’t smell anything.

Adam: That’s ‘cause you stink, you need a shower.

Jack: No I don’t!

Adam: Dude, you REEK. Bet you haven’t showered for three days.

Jack: Four. So what? I still don’t stink. All I do is sit in a car all day. It’s not like I’m working out and getting all sweaty.

Adam: That’s obvious too, big boy. You stink.

Jack: Oh yeah? Then how come my passengers don’t complain? How come my roommates don’t complain, huh? Tell me that!

Adam: Because you’re gone all the time, and when you get home you probably sit in your room behind a closed door and play video games, don’t you? Bet your rating is in the low 4.7s. That’s your passengers trying to tell you something!

Gentlemen, please, let’s keep it civilized.

Adam: Fine. What’s That Smell for $400.

(New jars come out, get opened up)

Jack: -DING- What is rum and coke.

Judges? … Very good sniffer, Jack, what is rum is what we were looking for.

Jack: What’s That Smell for $500.

(New jars, new smell)

Manny: -DING- Que es mear.

Pardon me? No, that is not …… correction, the judges say yes. “Mear” is Spanish for piss. Good job Manny, you are on the board. Manny, please choose your next category.

Manny: No hablo Ingles.

What? … Did he just say he doesn’t speak English? No English?

Manny: No Ingles.

Oh my gosh ... Can someone … what the … how is this possible?

Jack: Yo, man, relax. You don’t have to speak English to be an Uber driver. All you got to do is get them from point A to point B. You say Hello, and Good bye, and that’s it.

Manny: Hola! Adios! Five .. star .. for you .. amigo! Please .. give .. tip!

(Manny, Jack and Adam fist bump all around)

Can we go to commercial? Can someone please get him some sort of translator or something? Shouldn’t these people be on Wheel instead?


C O M M E R C I A L B R E A K


Okay, we are back, and we have a headset for Manny so he can have the answers translated for him (you see Manny with an earpiece). Manny, choose a category.

Manny: (points at board) A la derecha. Y arriba arriba.

Jack: He said to the right, up top.

Okay, Lies and More Lies for $100, is that what you want Manny?

(Manny nods his head)

View attachment 293700

When Uber first started …

Jack: -DING- What is the tip is included.

Uhm, that is correct.

Jack: Lies and More Lies for $200.

When one of the bigger pay cuts …

Jack: -DING- What is lower prices means more money.

Uhm … correct.

Jack: Lies and More Lies for $300.

This lie is told to cities, states and governments ...

Adam: -DING- What is we are just a technology company.

Correct.

Adam: Pax Problems for $100.

This problem occurs when there are ..

Adam: -DING- What is too many people. Pax Problems for $200.

Uhm … correct. Okay … When a passenger has a small ...

Adam: -DING- What is an emotional support animal. What is a fake service animal. Pax Problems for $300.

No, that is not correct. When a passenger has a small child …

Jack: -DING- What is no car seat.

Correct. Do people actually try to get you to give them a ride without a car seat for their child? I find that hard to believe.

Manny: La gente piensa que por diez dólares nos poseen.

I … assume that means yes. Jack, your turn to choose a category.

Jack: Alex, I want to cash out my earnings before I continue.

View attachment 293701

(long stare) That’s … not how it works.

Jack: Bullspit. I want my money. I’ll pay the fifty cents for InstantPay. Transfer my money to my bank, then we can keep going.

We don’t … this is for charity.

Jack: Yeah, I got my charity. ME! I’m the neediest dude that I know. Now cash me out. I need new brakes.

Adam: Me too. Cash me out Alex.

You can’t choose yourself as a charity.

Jack: Why not?

Adam: My MOTHER is my charity. She’s in a wheelchair. She needs the money more than some stupid Goodwill store. Hold on, I’ll call her and get her bank account information.

Gentlemen, please stop. There is only one winner, and the money is distributed at the END of the show to a QUALIFIED charity of your choice.

Adam: Man, that’s bull!

Jack: Yeah!

May we continue? Jack, it is your turn to choose a category.

Manny: Donde esta el bano?

Jack: Yeah, I gotta go too. Where’s the toilet?

Gentlemen, we are in the middle of the show, you need to please wait until we take a commercial break.

Adam: I am an independent contractor, Alex, and I don’t gotta wait for nothin’. Unless you wanna put me on the payroll and make me an employee, I’m taking a break NOW.

Manny: IN – DEE – PEN – DANT … CON – TRACT – O!

(Sigh) Okay, let’s take a really short commercial break.

Adam: Don’t count on it being short, Alex. I got gas in my tank, if you know what I mean. Might be a while, buddy.


C O M M E R C I A L B R E A K

View attachment 293702

Okay, we are back. Let’s take a minute to meet one of our contestants. Adam, tell us about yourself.

Adam: Well, I drive Uber and Eats and Lyft and Amazon Flex, and I’m a massage therapist on the side.

Interesting. How did you get into massage therapy?

Adam: My ex-girlfriend, she got mad because I was always touching other women, see, so one day we were fighting and she says “if you want to go touch other women so bad, why don’t you go get a job doing it, at least you’d make some real money.” So, I did.

Huh. So you went to school and became a massage therapist?

Adam: No, no school. I started just doing massage. See, it was just massage, but sometimes these women would be telling me their problems while they’re laying there on the bed. So … I’m like a therapist, right? Massage … therapist.

But, what about a license?

Adam: I got a license, how do you think I drive for Uber? Stupid.

(long pause) Okay, let’s get back to the game. Jack, I believe it is your turn.

Jack: Evil Programs for $100, Alex.

This program …

Adam: -DING- What is Hell.

No, that is incorrect.

Jack: -DING- What is Greyball.

No. This program allows Uber to track all drivers and passengers at any time, whether they are online or not.

Manny: (silence)

What is God View. Jack, you are still in control.

Jack: Evil Programs for $200, Alex.

This program …

Jack: -DING- What is Greyball

No.

Adam: -DING- What is Hell.

No. This program allows Uber’s tech people in San Francisco to remotely wipe an entire market’s servers clean in under a minute in the event of a raid by local law enforcement.

Manny: (silence)

What is Ripley, named after the character in the movie Aliens, when Sigourney Weaver firebombed the alien nest of eggs. Jack, choose a category.

Jack: Evil Programs for $300 Alex.

This program …

Jack: -DING- What is Hell.

Adam: Dude, that’s my answer!

No, that answer is incorrect.

Adam: -DING- What is Greyball.

No. This program was used to illegally capture data about a rival company’s drivers in southeast Asia.

Manny: (silence)

What is SurfCam. Jack?

Jack: Evil Programs for $400.

This program …

Adam: -DING- What is Hell.

No. This program allows Uber to charge different prices to different people for the same exact ride, blatantly discriminating based on their demographics and ride history.

Jack: -DING- What is Upfront Pricing.

No.

Jack: What? Yes it is!

Judges? ….. That is not correct, and that is not the name of the program.

Manny: (silence)

The question is, what is Firehouse. Jack, still your turn to choose.

Jack: Evil Programs for $500.

This program …

Manny: -DING- Que es Hell.

Jack: You jerk.

Correct! Manny, your turn to choose a category.

Manny: Numero cuatro.

Lies and More Lies for $400? (Manny nods) This lie is when a passenger wants ..

Jack: -DING- What is I will be right back.

Judges? …… The judges say that is good enough, what is I will be really quick or what is I will only be a minute.

Jack: Lies and More Lies for $500.

When a passenger says ..

Adam: -DING- What is I will tip you in the app.

Wow, you guys really know this category! Correct!

Adam: I’ve given a lot of rides, Alex.

Jack: (nods) Me too.

Adam: Okay, let’s do DOJ Investigations for $100.

This investigation alleges that Uber ..

Adam: -DING- What is Hell. What is spying on Lyft drivers.

No, that is not correct. This investigation alleges that Uber stole something from a competitor called Waymo.

(Silence all around)

What is theft of trade secrets. Even though the lawsuit was settled, the DOJ is still investigating for possible criminal charges. Adam?

Adam: DOJ Investigations for $200.

This investigation stems from the use of Greyball.

(Silence all around)

What is obstruction of justice. Uber is accused of hiding vehicles from law enforcement authorities, which is obstruction of justice. Adam?

Adam: I’ll try one more. DOJ Investigations for $300.

This investigation was sparked from an event that happened in India in 2014.

(Silence all around)

What is bribery of a foreign official. After an incident where a driver assaulted a passenger, an Uber representative illegally obtained the victim’s medical records. This brought up the accusation of bribery of a foreign official, since the records were illegally obtained from an Indian police officer, who is considered to be a foreign official.

Adam: Screw this. Let’s do Noteworthy People for $300.

This Uber engineer turned whistleblower ..

Jack: -DING- Who is Sarah Fowler.

Judges? …….. No, that is incorrect. This Uber engineer turned whistleblower exposed the dark side of the bro culture within Uber.

(Silence all around)

Who is Susan Fowler.

Jack: Ah, man, seriously? Who cares what her first name is? That’s a bunch of horse …

Jack, please, no inappropriate comments. Let’s keep it clean, okay? Adam, still your turn.

Adam: Noteworthy People for $400.

This former District Attorney performed an investigation within Uber ..

Adam: -DING- Aaron Shoulder. Who is Aaron Shoulder.

No, that is incorrect. Judges? …… Sorry Adam, that is incorrect.

Jack: -DING- Who is Aaron Homer.

No, that is incorrect also. This former District Attorney performed an investigation within Uber because of the Fowler accusations, and gave 20 recommendations on what Uber could do to clean up their act. Manny?

Manny: (silence)

Who is Eric Holder. The Holder report was given to Uber’s board in 2017, and the board agreed on all 20 of the recommendations contained within, but at this point Uber still has not implemented all 20 of the suggestions. At the time of the report, it was a brilliant and necessary PR move, but apparently it was nothing more than hype. Adam?

Adam: Noteworthy People for $500.

This person filed a lawsuit against the former CEO Travis Kalanick for gross mismanagement, and was the catalyst for TK’s eventual resignation.

(Silence all around)

Who is Bill Gurley of Benchmark Capital.

-DING--DING--DING--DING-

And that is all the time we have for the regular round. Let’s take a quick commercial break, and when we return we will have one final question, where our contestants can bet it all!


C O M M E R C I A L B R E A K

View attachment 293703

We are back, and the final question of the day is next. The category is “Competition”. Gentlemen, please take a moment and write down how much of your earnings you wish to wager on this final question. We will take just a moment ...

Is everyone ready? Very good. Here is the answer: Based in China, this is one of the world’s largest privately held companies, with an estimated market valuation worth well over 50 billion US dollars. This company beat Uber at the ride hailing game in China, and has since expanded into Mexico to attempt the same thing. The first part of the company’s name translates in English as “Beep Beep”. I will give you all some time.


((( - famous Jeopardy jingle plays - )))

Okay, here we are. Let’s start with Adam.

Adam: (flips over card – “Who is Lyft”) Lyft is the only other company that I know, Alex, I thought you were gonna ask about Lyft. I thought they were the biggest competitor. But they’re not from China.

Ooh, sorry Adam. Lyft is Uber’s biggest competitor in the United States and Canada, but in the rest of the world they are still unknown. How much did you wager?

Adam: All of it.

Ouch, sorry Adam, that puts you at zero dollars. Jack, how about you.

Jack: Well, I knew that Lyft wasn’t right because they aren’t Chinese, but the only other companies I know are Via and Juno, since I drive for both of them. So I put Juno. (flips card – “Who is Juno”)

That is incorrect as well. Juno was bought out by Gett, which is an Israeli company. Interestingly enough, Juno initially offered drivers stock options for driving for them, but when Gett bought them out they backed out of that promise, angering a lot of drivers and sparking some lawsuits. Jack, how much did you wager?

Jack: All of it. I thought you were going to ask about Lyft also.

Oh, sorry Jack. Too bad. Manny?

Manny: Viva Mexico! (flips card – “Quien es Didi”)

Judges? …… Yes, the judges will accept that. The correct name is “DidiChuxing”, or “Didi” for short. Congratulations! How much did you wager, Manny?

Manny: (silence) (flips card - $0)

Oh, Manny! That is too bad. But still, you have won the game with $1,000 in total earnings, versus zero for each of your competitors. Tell us Manny, what is your charity that you will be giving the money to?

Manny: Mi caridad es mi madre. Ella esta en una silla de ruedas. [[ Translation: My charity is my mother. She is in a wheelchair. ]]

(sigh)

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<< Special thank you to KD_LA for help with some graphics >>


<< Credit to Jay Dean for the original thread/post, where this idea stemmed from >>



Click here for no more info





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Amazing !
W
Hilarious! You know a story is great when you think about it days later.

I would love to see this animated one day lol, make it some animators college school project!
Will be in theNext Uber Movie.
 

Mista T

Well-Known Member
Author
  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #17
Ok dude I’m being totally serious....there is a guy who worked in NYC, he has a blog and wrote a book about serving and the restaurant business, he’s called “The @@@@@y Waiter” (also the name of his book). You gotta find a way to market this talent you have.

Word that was blocked rhymes with “itchy”
You should pitch it to SNL. Maybe they’ll make you a writer.
Yesterday I printed some stories and sent it off to a book publisher. Will see what happens, lol.
 

IUberGR

Member
<< If you have never seen Jeopardy on TV, you should really watch it before reading this >>





Hello! I’m your host, Alex Trebek, and we are here tonight with a special edition of Jeopardy. Tonight we have with us three Uber drivers who will be playing to win money for the charity of their choice. Each of these experienced Uber drivers has over 200 rides given and holds a very high star rating of at least 4.70 on the Uber platform. We have here with us Adam from Atlanta, Jack from New York City, and Manny from Des Moines. Gentlemen, if you are ready, then let’s play Jeopardy!

View attachment 293698

Six categories on the board. Pax Problems, Evil Programs, What’s That Smell, Lies and More Lies, DOJ Investigations, and Noteworthy People. Before the show began we decided that Adam from Atlanta would choose the first category. Remember, contestants, that all answers must be in the form of a question. Let’s begin!

Adam: Alex, I’ll take What’s That Smell for $100.

Gentlemen, in this category we will be bringing out 3 jars with a strong odor in them, one jar will be placed in front of each of you. We will be opening the jars at the same time, and whomever can identify the smell correctly first, wins.

View attachment 293699

(Assistants bring out jars and open them at the same time, assistants gag at the smell)

Jack: -DING- That’s the smell of $150 in my pocket, Alex! What is vomit!

Correct, vomit is the correct substance. OMG, how do you guys deal with that smell? Assistants, please take that stuff away, thank you.

Jack: Yes! (pumps fist) I’ll take What’s That Smell for $200.

(Fresh round of jars comes out)

Adam: -DING- What is nasty drive thru french fries.

Judges? ……. Yes, french fries are correct.

Adam: I’ll take Noteworthy People for $100.

Noteworthy People for $100. This …

Adam: -DING- Who is Travis Kalanick.

Correct, Travis Kalanick was the original CEO and bad boy of Uber.

Adam: Noteworthy People for $200.

This …

Adam: -DING- Who is Dara Khoznosnoshi.

Judges? ……. No, that is incorrect.

Jack: -DING- Who is Dara Khashalaki.

I don’t think the judges will take that one either, judges? …….. No, sorry, that is incorrect. This individual of Iranian heritage and the former CEO of Expedia.com is the current CEO of Uber. Manny? This one is all yours if you know the person’s name.

Manny: (silence)

-BZZZZZT-

Who is Dara Khos-row-sha-hi. Adam, you retain control, please choose a category.

Adam: Oh brother. Like his last name really matters. What’s That Smell for $300.

(New jars are brought out and opened up)

Adam: -DING- What is B.O.. What is body odor.

Jack: I don’t smell anything.

Adam: That’s ‘cause you stink, you need a shower.

Jack: No I don’t!

Adam: Dude, you REEK. Bet you haven’t showered for three days.

Jack: Four. So what? I still don’t stink. All I do is sit in a car all day. It’s not like I’m working out and getting all sweaty.

Adam: That’s obvious too, big boy. You stink.

Jack: Oh yeah? Then how come my passengers don’t complain? How come my roommates don’t complain, huh? Tell me that!

Adam: Because you’re gone all the time, and when you get home you probably sit in your room behind a closed door and play video games, don’t you? Bet your rating is in the low 4.7s. That’s your passengers trying to tell you something!

Gentlemen, please, let’s keep it civilized.

Adam: Fine. What’s That Smell for $400.

(New jars come out, get opened up)

Jack: -DING- What is rum and coke.

Judges? … Very good sniffer, Jack, what is rum is what we were looking for.

Jack: What’s That Smell for $500.

(New jars, new smell)

Manny: -DING- Que es mear.

Pardon me? No, that is not …… correction, the judges say yes. “Mear” is Spanish for piss. Good job Manny, you are on the board. Manny, please choose your next category.

Manny: No hablo Ingles.

What? … Did he just say he doesn’t speak English? No English?

Manny: No Ingles.

Oh my gosh ... Can someone … what the … how is this possible?

Jack: Yo, man, relax. You don’t have to speak English to be an Uber driver. All you got to do is get them from point A to point B. You say Hello, and Good bye, and that’s it.

Manny: Hola! Adios! Five .. star .. for you .. amigo! Please .. give .. tip!

(Manny, Jack and Adam fist bump all around)

Can we go to commercial? Can someone please get him some sort of translator or something? Shouldn’t these people be on Wheel instead?


C O M M E R C I A L B R E A K


Okay, we are back, and we have a headset for Manny so he can have the answers translated for him (you see Manny with an earpiece). Manny, choose a category.

Manny: (points at board) A la derecha. Y arriba arriba.

Jack: He said to the right, up top.

Okay, Lies and More Lies for $100, is that what you want Manny?

(Manny nods his head)

View attachment 293700

When Uber first started …

Jack: -DING- What is the tip is included.

Uhm, that is correct.

Jack: Lies and More Lies for $200.

When one of the bigger pay cuts …

Jack: -DING- What is lower prices means more money.

Uhm … correct.

Jack: Lies and More Lies for $300.

This lie is told to cities, states and governments ...

Adam: -DING- What is we are just a technology company.

Correct.

Adam: Pax Problems for $100.

This problem occurs when there are ..

Adam: -DING- What is too many people. Pax Problems for $200.

Uhm … correct. Okay … When a passenger has a small ...

Adam: -DING- What is an emotional support animal. What is a fake service animal. Pax Problems for $300.

No, that is not correct. When a passenger has a small child …

Jack: -DING- What is no car seat.

Correct. Do people actually try to get you to give them a ride without a car seat for their child? I find that hard to believe.

Manny: La gente piensa que por diez dólares nos poseen.

I … assume that means yes. Jack, your turn to choose a category.

Jack: Alex, I want to cash out my earnings before I continue.

View attachment 293701

(long stare) That’s … not how it works.

Jack: Bullspit. I want my money. I’ll pay the fifty cents for InstantPay. Transfer my money to my bank, then we can keep going.

We don’t … this is for charity.

Jack: Yeah, I got my charity. ME! I’m the neediest dude that I know. Now cash me out. I need new brakes.

Adam: Me too. Cash me out Alex.

You can’t choose yourself as a charity.

Jack: Why not?

Adam: My MOTHER is my charity. She’s in a wheelchair. She needs the money more than some stupid Goodwill store. Hold on, I’ll call her and get her bank account information.

Gentlemen, please stop. There is only one winner, and the money is distributed at the END of the show to a QUALIFIED charity of your choice.

Adam: Man, that’s bull!

Jack: Yeah!

May we continue? Jack, it is your turn to choose a category.

Manny: Donde esta el bano?

Jack: Yeah, I gotta go too. Where’s the toilet?

Gentlemen, we are in the middle of the show, you need to please wait until we take a commercial break.

Adam: I am an independent contractor, Alex, and I don’t gotta wait for nothin’. Unless you wanna put me on the payroll and make me an employee, I’m taking a break NOW.

Manny: IN – DEE – PEN – DANT … CON – TRACT – O!

(Sigh) Okay, let’s take a really short commercial break.

Adam: Don’t count on it being short, Alex. I got gas in my tank, if you know what I mean. Might be a while, buddy.


C O M M E R C I A L B R E A K

View attachment 293702

Okay, we are back. Let’s take a minute to meet one of our contestants. Adam, tell us about yourself.

Adam: Well, I drive Uber and Eats and Lyft and Amazon Flex, and I’m a massage therapist on the side.

Interesting. How did you get into massage therapy?

Adam: My ex-girlfriend, she got mad because I was always touching other women, see, so one day we were fighting and she says “if you want to go touch other women so bad, why don’t you go get a job doing it, at least you’d make some real money.” So, I did.

Huh. So you went to school and became a massage therapist?

Adam: No, no school. I started just doing massage. See, it was just massage, but sometimes these women would be telling me their problems while they’re laying there on the bed. So … I’m like a therapist, right? Massage … therapist.

But, what about a license?

Adam: I got a license, how do you think I drive for Uber? Stupid.

(long pause) Okay, let’s get back to the game. Jack, I believe it is your turn.

Jack: Evil Programs for $100, Alex.

This program …

Adam: -DING- What is Hell.

No, that is incorrect.

Jack: -DING- What is Greyball.

No. This program allows Uber to track all drivers and passengers at any time, whether they are online or not.

Manny: (silence)

What is God View. Jack, you are still in control.

Jack: Evil Programs for $200, Alex.

This program …

Jack: -DING- What is Greyball

No.

Adam: -DING- What is Hell.

No. This program allows Uber’s tech people in San Francisco to remotely wipe an entire market’s servers clean in under a minute in the event of a raid by local law enforcement.

Manny: (silence)

What is Ripley, named after the character in the movie Aliens, when Sigourney Weaver firebombed the alien nest of eggs. Jack, choose a category.

Jack: Evil Programs for $300 Alex.

This program …

Jack: -DING- What is Hell.

Adam: Dude, that’s my answer!

No, that answer is incorrect.

Adam: -DING- What is Greyball.

No. This program was used to illegally capture data about a rival company’s drivers in southeast Asia.

Manny: (silence)

What is SurfCam. Jack?

Jack: Evil Programs for $400.

This program …

Adam: -DING- What is Hell.

No. This program allows Uber to charge different prices to different people for the same exact ride, blatantly discriminating based on their demographics and ride history.

Jack: -DING- What is Upfront Pricing.

No.

Jack: What? Yes it is!

Judges? ….. That is not correct, and that is not the name of the program.

Manny: (silence)

The question is, what is Firehouse. Jack, still your turn to choose.

Jack: Evil Programs for $500.

This program …

Manny: -DING- Que es Hell.

Jack: You jerk.

Correct! Manny, your turn to choose a category.

Manny: Numero cuatro.

Lies and More Lies for $400? (Manny nods) This lie is when a passenger wants ..

Jack: -DING- What is I will be right back.

Judges? …… The judges say that is good enough, what is I will be really quick or what is I will only be a minute.

Jack: Lies and More Lies for $500.

When a passenger says ..

Adam: -DING- What is I will tip you in the app.

Wow, you guys really know this category! Correct!

Adam: I’ve given a lot of rides, Alex.

Jack: (nods) Me too.

Adam: Okay, let’s do DOJ Investigations for $100.

This investigation alleges that Uber ..

Adam: -DING- What is Hell. What is spying on Lyft drivers.

No, that is not correct. This investigation alleges that Uber stole something from a competitor called Waymo.

(Silence all around)

What is theft of trade secrets. Even though the lawsuit was settled, the DOJ is still investigating for possible criminal charges. Adam?

Adam: DOJ Investigations for $200.

This investigation stems from the use of Greyball.

(Silence all around)

What is obstruction of justice. Uber is accused of hiding vehicles from law enforcement authorities, which is obstruction of justice. Adam?

Adam: I’ll try one more. DOJ Investigations for $300.

This investigation was sparked from an event that happened in India in 2014.

(Silence all around)

What is bribery of a foreign official. After an incident where a driver assaulted a passenger, an Uber representative illegally obtained the victim’s medical records. This brought up the accusation of bribery of a foreign official, since the records were illegally obtained from an Indian police officer, who is considered to be a foreign official.

Adam: Screw this. Let’s do Noteworthy People for $300.

This Uber engineer turned whistleblower ..

Jack: -DING- Who is Sarah Fowler.

Judges? …….. No, that is incorrect. This Uber engineer turned whistleblower exposed the dark side of the bro culture within Uber.

(Silence all around)

Who is Susan Fowler.

Jack: Ah, man, seriously? Who cares what her first name is? That’s a bunch of horse …

Jack, please, no inappropriate comments. Let’s keep it clean, okay? Adam, still your turn.

Adam: Noteworthy People for $400.

This former District Attorney performed an investigation within Uber ..

Adam: -DING- Aaron Shoulder. Who is Aaron Shoulder.

No, that is incorrect. Judges? …… Sorry Adam, that is incorrect.

Jack: -DING- Who is Aaron Homer.

No, that is incorrect also. This former District Attorney performed an investigation within Uber because of the Fowler accusations, and gave 20 recommendations on what Uber could do to clean up their act. Manny?

Manny: (silence)

Who is Eric Holder. The Holder report was given to Uber’s board in 2017, and the board agreed on all 20 of the recommendations contained within, but at this point Uber still has not implemented all 20 of the suggestions. At the time of the report, it was a brilliant and necessary PR move, but apparently it was nothing more than hype. Adam?

Adam: Noteworthy People for $500.

This person filed a lawsuit against the former CEO Travis Kalanick for gross mismanagement, and was the catalyst for TK’s eventual resignation.

(Silence all around)

Who is Bill Gurley of Benchmark Capital.

-DING--DING--DING--DING-

And that is all the time we have for the regular round. Let’s take a quick commercial break, and when we return we will have one final question, where our contestants can bet it all!


C O M M E R C I A L B R E A K

View attachment 293703

We are back, and the final question of the day is next. The category is “Competition”. Gentlemen, please take a moment and write down how much of your earnings you wish to wager on this final question. We will take just a moment ...

Is everyone ready? Very good. Here is the answer: Based in China, this is one of the world’s largest privately held companies, with an estimated market valuation worth well over 50 billion US dollars. This company beat Uber at the ride hailing game in China, and has since expanded into Mexico to attempt the same thing. The first part of the company’s name translates in English as “Beep Beep”. I will give you all some time.


((( - famous Jeopardy jingle plays - )))

Okay, here we are. Let’s start with Adam.

Adam: (flips over card – “Who is Lyft”) Lyft is the only other company that I know, Alex, I thought you were gonna ask about Lyft. I thought they were the biggest competitor. But they’re not from China.

Ooh, sorry Adam. Lyft is Uber’s biggest competitor in the United States and Canada, but in the rest of the world they are still unknown. How much did you wager?

Adam: All of it.

Ouch, sorry Adam, that puts you at zero dollars. Jack, how about you.

Jack: Well, I knew that Lyft wasn’t right because they aren’t Chinese, but the only other companies I know are Via and Juno, since I drive for both of them. So I put Juno. (flips card – “Who is Juno”)

That is incorrect as well. Juno was bought out by Gett, which is an Israeli company. Interestingly enough, Juno initially offered drivers stock options for driving for them, but when Gett bought them out they backed out of that promise, angering a lot of drivers and sparking some lawsuits. Jack, how much did you wager?

Jack: All of it. I thought you were going to ask about Lyft also.

Oh, sorry Jack. Too bad. Manny?

Manny: Viva Mexico! (flips card – “Quien es Didi”)

Judges? …… Yes, the judges will accept that. The correct name is “DidiChuxing”, or “Didi” for short. Congratulations! How much did you wager, Manny?

Manny: (silence) (flips card - $0)

Oh, Manny! That is too bad. But still, you have won the game with $1,000 in total earnings, versus zero for each of your competitors. Tell us Manny, what is your charity that you will be giving the money to?

Manny: Mi caridad es mi madre. Ella esta en una silla de ruedas. [[ Translation: My charity is my mother. She is in a wheelchair. ]]

(sigh)

That is great. How long did it take?


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<< Special thank you to KD_LA for help with some graphics >>


<< Credit to Jay Dean for the original thread/post, where this idea stemmed from >>



Click here for no more info





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Iann

Well-Known Member
Just seen the news about The Stache getting stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer.

That's a tough one to beat. Wishing him well.
 

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