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Jokes

Discussion in 'London' started by FaaaUber, Jan 10, 2019.

  1. FaaaUber

    FaaaUber

    Location:
    London Uk
    Driving:
    UberX
    A bloke is giving a lecture, at a university, on the paranormal.
    He says,
    “How many people here believe in ghosts?”
    About 60 hands go up.
    “How many of you have seen a ghost?”
    About 15 hands go up.
    “How many of you have spoken to a ghost?”
    3 hands go up.
    “How many of you have had sex with a ghost?”
    One hand goes up, R M Ahmad, right at the back.
    The bloke asks him to come to the front and says,
    “I’ve been doing this 25 years and you’re the first person who has claimed to have had sex with a ghost.”
    R M Ahmad says,
    “Sorry, I couldn’t hear you at the back, I thought you said goat.”
     
  2. Ubend R.S.

    Ubend R.S.

    Location:
    london
    Very good
     
    FaaaUber likes this.
  3. Jack Barclay

    Jack Barclay

    Location:
    London
    An Uber driver is driving an Englishman, an Irishman through a desert when their car breaks down. They decide they must walk across the desert. The Englishman takes an umbrella out of the boot and begins walking. The Irishman takes out his flask, fills it with whisky and follows the Englishman. The scot rips the door off the car and runs to catch up with the others.

    Sometime later they come across an Arab caravan. A man walks up to them and says to the Englishman ‘Sahib, you know that it does not rain around these parts?’ The Englishman replies ‘Ah but you see it is not for the rain, it is for the sun.’ And so the Arab knew the Englishman was truly wise. He turns to the Irishman and says ‘You have a flask but it is not filled with water?’ ‘Well you see’ says the Irishman ‘water can be trouble around here so I filled it with something more precious instead.’ And so the Arab knew the Irishman was truly wise. ‘And you sir, for what reason do you carry the door?’ so the Uber Driver says ‘Well I figure, if I get too hot I can just wind down the window.
     
  4. FaaaUber

    FaaaUber

    Location:
    London Uk
    Driving:
    UberX
    A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

    While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

    While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you.

    Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

    His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"
     
  5. Drivincrazy

    Drivincrazy

    Location:
    Las Vegas, NV
    Driving:
    Lyft
    Q: Why did the spider cross the street?
    A: To get to his website.
     
  6. FaaaUber

    FaaaUber

    Location:
    London Uk
    Driving:
    UberX
    4614D61D-43B3-4294-AFC5-39597CC305DB.jpeg
     
    Taxi8 likes this.
  7. Andreas0001

    Andreas0001

    Location:
    London
    Not funny
     
  8. R.M.Ahmad

    R.M.Ahmad

    Location:
    London
    Come come my man, admit it. This was your personal experience. No wonder you are still alive.

    Are you ok? You said the driver has an Englishman and an Irishman passengers. So where the Scot did come to rip the door.
    You said the Scot took the door with him, so how happen the Arab asks Uber driver about the door?
     
  9. Aj93

    Aj93

    Location:
    London
    Cabbie007 said he will reach 2k / week on Uber
     
  10. ChampionADI

    ChampionADI

    Location:
    London
    The wife had been missing for a week, when I got a call from the police telling me to prepare for bad news...

    So, I went back to the charity shop to get her clothes back!
     
  11. Dubs666

    Dubs666

    Location:
    London
    Driving:
    UberX
    Long shot but do you know anyone who wants to buy a 9mm with 2 clips and a box of shells? Need it rid of asp £850 ono
     

    Attached Files:

  12. Bloke comes home from work early enters the house and hears noises, he rushes upstairs and finds his wife in bed with another man. He quietly gets his gun from the bedside table and puts it to the man’s head.
    “Right you bastard, outside”
    He marches him downstairs and outside to the shed at the bottom of the garden.
    He then says to the man “Put your manhood into that vice”
    Shaking with fear the man does as he’s told. The bloke then tightens the vice till the other man is screaming in agony and then throws away the vice handle.
    He then gets a saw and puts it on the bench. The guy screaming then says “Oh no!!, you’re not gonna cut my manhood off are you?”
    The bloke replies “No, you’re gonna do that, I’m gonna set fire to the shed”
     
  13. Shane Sheikh

    Shane Sheikh

    Location:
    London
    Anyone know where I can buy some indicator fluid ? My left signal playing up.
     
    25rides7daysaweek likes this.
  14. Cabbie2B

    Cabbie2B

    Location:
    London
    If u use ur right hand and top it up, that would work.
     
  15. Jack Dunphy

    Jack Dunphy

    Location:
    London
    Did you hear about the Uber driver who thought Sheffield Wednesday was a bank holiday ?
     
    Taxi8, babasanfur, sinbad 1 and 3 others like this.
  16. Cabbie2B

    Cabbie2B

    Location:
    London
  17. Shane Sheikh

    Shane Sheikh

    Location:
    London
    Worked like a charm. Thanks !
     
    Cabbie2B likes this.
  18. ....................AND THE WINNER IS..................

    The fares that black crates charge.

    Biggest joke of all Jack Barclay pretending to be green badge.
     
  19. Samuelpepys

    Samuelpepys

    Location:
    Kt2
    An old man goes to his doctor.
    Doctor asks,"What's the problem."
    Old man says,"I don't get pleasure out of sex anymore ".
    Doctor asks,"How old are you?"
    Old man says,"86".
    Doctor asks,"And how old is your partner ".
    Old man say,"86 also".
    Doctor asks,"And when did you find out you get no pleasure anymore from having sex".
    Old man says,
    "Three times last night and twice this morning ".
     
    Khanie, Dubs666, FaaaUber and 2 others like this.
  20. Quite Quiet

    Quite Quiet

    Location:
    London
    Welcome back :cool:
     
    Last edited: Jan 11, 2019

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