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Driver stories: Part Two

Ready for some more stories?



Picked up a drunk guy who gets in the car, looks at me and says “Great, a skinhead!” I happen to be a white male, and at the time my head was shaved.

I chuckled and shook my head. He says (jokingly, but not) “You’re not gonna knife me, are you? Please don’t knife me.”

The guy was also a white male, and since he was fearful of skinheads it made me think that he was maybe an immigrant? Gay? Jewish? Married to a minority? White collar worker? Democrat? College student? Recovering addict? Liked to play D&D? Who knows, skinheads are known to hate just about everyone (except other skinheads). I just shook my head and drove.

I ignored his initial comments and started a different conversation. Had a good chat for 10 minutes. He apologized for stereotyping me as he got out.

Searching for Jesus

Three middle aged tourists, 2 gay men and a woman. Asking what brings them into town, where are they going, do they have any big plans, etc. They ask about restaurants, bars, tourist things to do and see; the usual.

I tell them there’s this place, and that place, and this place is really good, and that place has really fresh fish. What is it that you want?

The woman says “I want a long haired Jesus-looking man who will have sex with me.”


Ummmm, okay….

Blind woman

My very first week of driving. Pickup at a grocery store. Pulled up to the very front, parked in the fire lane with hazards on and waited. People walking to and fro; only person standing around was a blind woman. Rolled down my windows and asked if she was waiting for a ride. Yes, she was, and she knew my name.

Loaded her groceries and off we went. She asks if we could stop at a liquor store on the way home. It’s my first week, I didn’t know any better. We pulled into the parking lot and I stopped the car, waiting for her to get out and do her thing. Then it dawns on me that she’s blind, the best she can do is open the car door and step out, she doesn’t know which way from there.

Next thing you know I’m walking through the liquor store with a blind woman holding my arm, helping her grab stuff for daquiris.

Does this mean I qualify as a service animal?

Store is closed

Marijuana is legal in my state. One night I got tipped a couple joints, yay! I would rather have cash, but beggars can’t be choosers.

Later on that evening I picked up 4 guys leaving a house party, going back to their hotel. One of them says “We need to restock.” It was about 1:30am, best they could do is get beer and wine (hard liquor is only sold in liquor stores here). I asked them “What do you want to restock?”

All four shouted “COCAINE!!!”

Without skipping a beat I said “That’s too bad, the cocaine stores are all closed at this time of night. I have a couple marijuana joints though.”

They bought them both, at about double the retail price. Sadly, my best ‘tip’ of the evening.

Shower? What’s that?

96 degrees out (which is exceptionally hot for my city) and I pick up this young 20s woman coming out of a gym. Her shirt is soaked from neck to belly button. She gets in and I said “Looks like you’ve been working out.”

She says “Yeah, I’m REALLY sweaty.”


I say “Uh, I can’t take you.” She asks “Why not?”

I laughed and said “I don’t know how to say this nicely. You’re friggin’ gross!”

She stares at me blankly.

I said “Look, if I had leather seats, which I obviously don’t, or if you had a towel to sit on, that would be one thing. I mean… there’s a reason that gyms have showers.”

She says “You’re serious…..”

LMAO! “Yes! This is my car! This is my job! I have 6 hours to go on my shift, I don’t need the next 10 customers getting in and giving me 1 star and no tip because they think my car smells like crap.”

She says “It’s just my shirt that’s wet.”

I almost asked if she was volunteering to go topless, but bit my tongue. She got out, and I went on with my day.

Having a rough day

Pickup location says the ADHD Clinic. This ought to be fun…

Pulled into the parking lot of a 3 story office complex. Waited… After 4 minutes, called the pax. She answers “Where are you?” I said I am in the parking lot on the side of the building. She says “Well I am right in front of the building.”

It was rush hour, and the building is on a major 4 lane street. In order for me to get to her, I would have to turn left into traffic, then either do an illegal U-turn, or turn off the street, turn around, and turn back on to the street. Did I mention it’s rush hour? And THEN I would have to illegally pull into a bike lane (no parking spots) as cars are whipping by at 30-50mph, hoping that she really is in front of the building. Just not the safest thing to do, so I said “I am only 20 yards from you, in the parking lot on the side of the building.”

She replies “Well, I don’t know where you are. If you can come get me, that would be great.”

Sigh… Thought about cancelling, but pings are only once every 10-15 minutes it seems like, so I will get her. The things we do for $4-5, this is a good reminder why I don’t drive rush hour.

A few minutes later she is getting in and I decided to be nice, give her a smile and five star service despite my annoyance with her dumb ass. I ask “How’s your day?”

She responds “It’s going really shitty, but THANKS for asking.”


Ugh, one of those. We rode in silence for a few minutes, then I decided to try again. “Do you take a lot of Uber and Lyft?”

She answers “No. They’re too expensive.”

Okey dokey, a silent ride it is. Fifteen minutes later she is getting out of the car and I broke the silence again. “I hope your day gets better from here.”

She says “Yeah, me too. You have a profitable day, sir.”

Have a profitable day? What the heck kind of a comment is that? I don’t need this garbage. I mean, if I want that kind of attitude, I can just go home and pick a fight with my wife! I don’t need to slug along in rush hour making chump change with that kind of personality sitting next to me! As I’m driving away I give her a low enough rating that I will never see her again.

Ten minutes later I’m checking my daily summary, and grumpy girl left me a $5 tip.


Did I miss something? Not that I’m complaining…

Luckily the ride was on Lyft; I was able to upgrade her rating.

Life after death

Sunday morning pickup, in the heart of the homeless area. Pickup at a coffee shop. The coffee shop owner comes out dressed wildly colorful, like a Rio carnival attendee, and puts a tall scruffy-looking man wearing a backpack in my front seat (legs too long for the back seat).

We start driving. The man is having trouble sitting because he is still wearing his backpack, which is full of stuff. After a couple minutes of being uncomfortable he takes it off and clutches it against his chest. The seatbelt alarm is dinging every 20 seconds. I jokingly said “These dang foreign cars, they won’t stop until the seatbelt is buckled up.” He says he doesn’t like seatbelts, because they make him feel trapped, but he eventually puts the seatbelt on, OVER the backpack in front of him. Doesn’t want to let go of the backpack (maybe because I might grab it and abandon my car while running away with his worthless crap?).

He is homeless, and OD’d on a combo of meth and heroin that morning. The coffee shop owner found him lying on the sidewalk and slapped him awake. He is still coming down from the drugs, and in a massive paranoia phase. I am taking him to rehab. If the coffee shop guy hadn’t slapped him awake, he probably would have just stopped breathing and died right there on the sidewalk.

Is that a pigeon?

A chilly November evening. A couple in their upper 20s was in town to take in a ball game. They were staying downtown, and took the light rail to the stadium. When the game was over they jumped on the light rail but realized they were going the wrong direction. Oops! They got off at the next stop and called a ride instead of waiting for a train going the other way. I was the driver.

The pickup spot was a one lane street. I pulled into a fire hydrant spot to let them in. Now, normally, one person opens the door and they both crawl in from the same side. But this time, the man opens the door and gets in. The woman goes around to my side (where traffic is flowing by) and gets in behind me. I thought that was strange; maybe they were fighting, maybe he just didn’t know common courtesy, maybe they weren’t a couple after all. Who knows, and who am I to judge, right?

Headed to their hotel, a 10 minute drive into downtown. Nice little chat the entire time. Half way there I hear a coo-ing sound. Is that a pigeon? I glance around quickly but don’t see anything up front. If there was a bird in the back, they would surely say something, right? I dismiss it.

A minute later I hear it again. That sound is either a pigeon, or maybe a baby, but it was just the two of them... I dismiss it again.


Then I heard it a third time. It has to be a baby, there is no GD bird in my car. But they didn’t have a baby when they got in, no car seat or anything; were they hiding a baby from me? Did they call someone and the phone is on speaker?

Time to test the waters. I said “How old?” and the man answers “Four months.”

HOLY SHIT! The woman was holding a baby in her arms, under her light jacket! That’s why they didn’t want to wait for the next train, it was too cold. And that’s why she went around, so she didn’t have to crawl over the seats. And that’s why SHE went around instead of him, so they could hide the baby from me, they knew any halfway intelligent driver wouldn’t let them take a baby in the car without a car seat! Those jerks!!!!!

I was pissed beyond words. We were 2 blocks from the hotel, it wouldn’t do any good to kick them out or lecture them; they were obviously okay with the life (and death) choices they were making at this point.

Pleasant surprises

* Walmart pickup, young student left a friend’s house and decided to do nearby grocery shopping before going home. Her apartment was 17 miles away. Loaded 13 bags in the trunk and off we went.

* Pick up at hotel by the airport, businesswoman has a flight in 2 and a half hours. Destination: airport, less than 3 miles away. Asked me about touristy things that are quick. I said that if she had more time, she could go to this place that’s 30-45 minutes away. She says “Let’s do it! I’m living on the edge today, let’s go!” Round trip drive; almost 2 hours later we arrived at the airport.

* Woman had been life flighted to a local hospital for emergency surgery. Four days later she needed to go back home, I was the driver. Told her I couldn’t take her unless she paid for my return trip, it was way out of the territory. She gave me $125 cash + the drive there (which also cost her $125), + $40 tip. A towncar company had quoted her $810, so she was thrilled at how cheap my ride was. I got paid about $200 to drive to the beach and back on a beautiful sunny day. 4 hours total. I stopped and had ice cream.

* Group of 6 wanting to go 6 blocks away, picked them up on a nice surge multiplier. Told them I can’t take more than 4. They started to panic, oh no, what are we going to do? I offered to take three of them, keep the meter running, and come back and get the other three. They were overjoyed at my generosity, jumped at my offer immediately. They could have walked in half the time for free.

Husband loves T&A

Picked up a middle aged woman heading from a bar to a friend’s house. “I’m going to my friend’s house because I’m so pissed at my husband. I can’t even go home, I don’t even want to look at him. I’m thinking I might divorce him.”

We start talking. “Did he cheat on you? Did he blow your life savings at a casino? Is he a drunk? A drug addict? Did he get fired for something stupid? Does he beat you? You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, it’s really none of my business. I shouldn’t even be asking, I apologize.”

She opens up and tells me that a while back she had a (female) friend over, and she caught her husband red-handed: he had stolen her friend’s panties and was pleasuring himself to them.

They went to counselling and it comes out (pun intended) that he has a major problem with voyeurism. Evidently, he has spied on, peeped at, ‘accidentally’ walked in on or otherwise tried to get a peek at EVERY female that has come to the house, during the entire THIRTEEN YEARS they have been together. When people go to sleep, he grabs their phones and laptops and looks to see if they have naked pictures of themselves on them. When a woman is in the bathroom, or bedroom changing clothes, he pretends to be ignorant and walks right in.

In counselling he swore he would never do it again, but that’s not a habit you just quit cold turkey! She asked my opinion, and I’m usually pretty free about giving it, but this time I had nothing.

Love is in the air

Two young women leaving the bar scene headed home. How’s the night, ladies?

“Oh my God, this is the BEST night of my entire LIFE!”

Oh wow, tell me what’s going on!

“I had this boyfriend back in high school, and he cheated on me and we broke up. Then we went away to different schools. I’m home for the weekend, and we just randomly saw him at the bar we went to!”

Wow, what a coincidence, that’s kind of cool.

“We had this AMAZING talk! He just broke up with a girlfriend, and I’m single now, and we just talked, like, FOREVER! Next weekend is Valentine’s weekend and, like, we are both going to be in town, and get together, and I think things are JUST SO AMAZING!!! I think things are really gonna work out between us this time!! This is like, the BEST night of my entire life!”


Good luck with that one, kid. At least she’s going to get some action on Valentine’s Day!
Mr T


Solid 5

Well-Known Member
Searching for Jesus

Three middle aged tourists, 2 gay men and a woman. Asking what brings them into town, where are they going, do they have any big plans, etc. They ask about restaurants, bars, tourist things to do and see; the usual.

I tell them there’s this place, and that place, and this place is really good, and that place has really fresh fish. What is it that you want?

The woman says “I want a long haired Jesus-looking man who will have sex with me.”

You could have directed her to Charlie Whitehurst, pretty sure he's unemployed right now (they didn't call him "Clipboard Jesus" because he played a lot LOL).



Well-Known Member
I actually think that woman with the gay guys discriminated against you because you were bald!!!! Friggin @@@@@ least she coulda done was ask you if you wanted to "hit that"... Did they at least give you a tip?


Well-Known Member
I know the writer is gay. The one about the sweaty 20 something. straight man would DIE to have a sweaty 20 something "stinking up" his car.
I like to have fun with high school kids when I pick them up from school, so I always ask them what they learned today.
Last week I asked a girl if she learned anything today. After a short pause, she said : um... yes. I learned that you can contract chlamydia from oral sex.

Not the response that I was expecting.

From now on, I will let their parents ask that question.


New Member
So, I pick up my first very very drunk person. He gets in and says we’re really really drunk! That’s okay it’s why I’m here. So I remain parked waiting for the other half of we. He says what are you doing? Waiting for your friend... I don’t have a friend. But you said WE were really really drunk! He says, so you’re drunk too? No! I’m your Uber driver! So, you’re alone then right? No, you’re here! , He then says thanks for coming to get me, I was gonna call an Uber, but you showed up. Uhhh... oookay get this guy home ASAP is my only goal. We get underway and he says, did I tell you I’m really really good at sex? No, you hadn’t mentioned that. Well, I am. My girlfriend has the nicest butt, but she only likes to make loooove. So we have an open relationship cause sometimes you wanna get kinky! I’m thinking silence is my best option here...30 seconds later, hey did I tell you I’m really really good at sex? Uh,ya you mentioned that! He says, you can talk to me if you need advice about sex. I replied, no I’m good, thanks.
YES!!!Thankfully silence, I think great, he passed out! Nope! One minute later, hey did I tell you...? YES! This went on the whole ride. We pull up to his house finally and he says, hey ya wanna come in? This is as he’s literally falling out the door. Told him no thanks. He replies you want my phone number? Uh,no I’m good, I know where you live! He turns around and says” well, that’s creepy”! Ummm, I’m creepy?
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